The Ice Prince's Secret
by fredmyfred
Summary: Draco's hiding a dangerous secret. When Harry discovers it, will he be able to help?
1. Caught

**A/N: Takes place after the war, slightly AU (Snape's still alive). Reviews welcome and encouraged, even flames. Hope you like. Unbeta-ed, point out my mistakes and all that...**

**Pairing: HPDM**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just disregard the big red sign that says "Do Not Touch Characters"**

**Warnings: Graphic descriptions of self-injury, m/m slash (don't like, don't read), lots of angst, language, and I might possibly get into some other questionable areas. This story is not really for those with a squickable stomach.**

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Chapter 1 – Caught

Draco Malfoy stood in front of the mirror in the second floor bathroom, his eyes full of hatred as he stared at his own reflection. This emotion only became stronger as he watched his silver orbs begin to swirl with blue tears. The blond tore his gaze away. "Malfoy's don't cry," he whispered unconvincingly, just as a tear made its way down his cheek.

"Oh, fuck me," he said desperately. Draco glanced once more at his tear-stained face before opening his bag and locating his potions kit within. He dug through all his little vials of beetle eyes and newts' tails until he finally found what he was looking for. Sinking to the floor, the teen rolled up the left sleeve of his robe to reveal the perfect paleness of his slender forearm. A quick wave of his wand washed away the illusion, revealing angry red lines etched over a latticework of pale scars. He placed the pristine razor on a patch of skin yet unblemished and pushed down as he dragged it across.

The pain gave him clarity, the self-loathing thoughts swept away as beads of red pushed to the surface of his skin. But it still wasn't enough; Draco knew he had only moments before his feelings returned. So he placed the razor against his skin and cut again. He repeated this ten times in total, until the pain was so great that he could not possibly think of anything else. Finally he dropped the blood-stained metal; the tears flowed freely now, but the pale teen didn't notice. Nothing could affect him now…well, almost nothing.

"Malfoy?!" called out a voice. Draco looked up at the figure standing in the doorway and sprang into action, yanking his sleeve down and rushing out of the bathroom. In his hurry, he forgot about the shiny object lying next to him on the tiled floor. A minute after Draco exited the bathroom, Harry Potter strode across the floor and picked up the razor, still glistening red. Realization dawned on him, and without thinking, he turned to chase after the blond.

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"Snake skin," said Draco frantically to the portrait of Salazar Slytherin, terrified at what had just happened and wanting more than anything to retreat to the safety of his dormitory. 'Why was I so careless?' thought Draco, 'I couldn't have just remembered to use a locking ward?'

Slytherin's portrait was less than understanding of his situation. "Sorry, that's not the right password," he stated passively.

"What?! No, I need to get into the dungeons now!" exclaimed Draco. He was almost hysterical, but portrait-Slytherin took it as a personal attack.

"Well I'm sorry, I was going to give you another try at it but since you yelled at me…I think I'll go visit the fat lady for a spot of tea and crumpets." With that the dark-haired man disappeared, leaving Draco to deal with a very awkward situation.

The blond teen's heart filled with dread as he felt the tap on his shoulder. "Malfoy?" said Harry tentatively. Draco took a deep breath, trying his best to compose himself before turning to face his rival, prepared for the disgust and criticism he was sure he would receive. What he was not prepared for was the genuine concern and confusion he saw in Harry's face as he made eye contact.

"What do you want, Potter?" Draco tried to pour as much malice as he could into those five words, but there was no energy in it and Harry saw right through him.

"I think you know, Malfoy. And…I know we're supposed to hate each other, but I can't just ignore what I saw." Harry looked extremely conflicted. On the one hand, this was Draco Malfoy: the sneering ice prince of Slytherin. He was arrogant, cruel, and bound to be Harry's enemy for all eternity. On the other, the boy Harry had seen bleeding on the bathroom floor looked so miserable and helpless that Harry could not bear to leave the matter alone.

"And what exactly do you think you saw, Potter?" the blond spat back at him. 'I'm not admitting anything, no matter how much I want to let him help.' Draco almost gasped aloud 'Whoa, where did that thought come from? H-…I mean Potter…is the enemy, I don't want anything to do with him…and I definitely don't need help,' thought Draco.

"Don't try to play dumb with me Malfoy, as if me seeing wasn't enough, I found your razor on the floor after you pushed past me." Harry pulled the sharp object out of his pocket and held it up to Draco, who mentally smacked himself for being so reckless.

"Give that back to me, I need it…for potions…" said Draco, realizing how pathetic his thin excuse sounded.

"I can't do that Malfoy, especially if you can't even admit why you really want it." Harry looked at Draco with a sad expression.

Draco fidgeted for a second before finally giving up his ruse. "Well what the bloody hell do you want me to say, Potter? I need my razor back because I need it to…to…"

"To what, Malfoy?" asked Harry quietly. He was trying his hardest not to seem threatening; from the moment he had picked up the razor he knew he had to help Draco somehow, and he did not want to upset him more than he had to.

"To cut myself with ok?! Is that what you want to hear?" Draco was near tears again and it was taking an extreme effort for him to contain his emotions. "So what now, Potter? You know my deepest darkest secret, go off and tell all your little friends and just leave me alone! Why should you even care?"

Harry sighed. Part of him wanted to just give up and go back to Gryffindor tower, but the little voice that was his conscience would not let him. "Malfoy, this can't go on. You have to talk to someone about whatever's going on, you can't just cut yourself to make things go away…it doesn't work. Now, people tell me I'm a good listener, and I'm willing to be there for you…if you want. But if you don't want to talk to me then I have to tell someone…"

The blond teen couldn't have been more shocked if Harry had told him he wanted to go hunt Muggles. He realized that his mouth was slightly open and berated himself, 'Malfoy's never show surprise!' Once his mask was back in place he responded, "Potter, I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and I would appreciate it if you would just mind your own business. I refuse to be another one of your little 'savior' projects. Gotten bored now that Voldemort's gone, have you?" Secretly he was relieved when Harry did not let the subject go.

"Malfoy, come on. You know full well that's not what this is. Now, as much as I don't want to, I guess I'll have to talk to Snape about this if you aren't going to let me help." Harry frowned as the ice prince's face went even paler.

"Potter…my godfather is part of the reason I c-…do this to myself…he can't know about it." Draco looked at Harry with desperation in his eyes. "What do you want from me?"

"Well, how about we go get our brooms, and we can fly somewhere private and talk about it?" Harry tried his best to look reassuring. Draco thought this over and decided it might be worth it if he could get Harry off his back. 'Well, lucky my broom's out in the Quidditch shed and not my dormitory,' he thought. 'Sodding portrait, I swear I'll hex him back to his own time period the next time I see him.'

Harry accompanied Draco out to the sheds to retrieve his Nimbus 2001, pulling his own miniaturized firebolt from his pocket and waving his wand to reenlarge it. "Where are we going?" asked Draco as he mounted his broom.

"Oh, you'll see," replied Harry before taking off with a mischievious look on his face. Draco kicked off and followed the dark-haired teen into the air. They flew for about twenty minutes before reaching their destination. As they soared through the sky, Draco felt the blood drying on his arm and grew a bit anxious. Normally he liked to clean off his arm after he cut; it made him feel like he had some control of the situation.

Harry and Draco touched down in a vast meadow surrounded by grassy foothills. A small stream cut through the middle and there were a few mossy boulders scattered on the soft grass. Harry waved his wand over one of these boulders and it was instantly transfigured into a big red couch. He sat down on the left side of the sofa and patted the seat next to him. Draco sighed and joined Harry on the couch, sitting as straight as possible, determined not to be comfortable.

"So," said Harry, "would it be too much if I asked to see your arm?" Draco stiffened instantly and refused to look Harry in the eye. He drew his left arm protectively towards his body. "I'm not going to judge you, Draco, I just want to help." Harry purposefully used Draco's given name, a fact that did not escape the blond's notice.

'I know I'm going to regret this,' thought Draco. Reluctantly, he pulled his arm away from his body, rolled up the sleeve and held it out for Harry to examine. Harry looked at the dried blood on Draco's arm and conjured a wet cloth.

"May I?" he asked. Draco nodded and Harry began to gently clean off the teen's thin arm. Draco had never shared this secret with anyone before, not even his closest friend, Pansy Parkinson. So to be sitting there with his sworn enemy tending to his injuries proved more than a little overwhelming. His lip began to quiver without his consent.  
"What's wrong, am I hurting you?" Harry asked, alarmed. He started to pull the cloth away but Draco shook his head.

"I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I do this." Draco risked a glance into Harry's eyes. The compassion and pure good he saw in them made the blond look down, ashamed. When Harry saw this he reached out a hand and pulled Draco's chin up so that their eyes met once again.

"It's ok. You don't have to go through this alone any more."

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**So that's it for chapter one, hope you liked it. Sorry if you were disturbed, that was not my intention. I am looking for a beta, preferably one who won't be easily bothered by an extreme degree of angst. Review if you want me to post more, and suggestions are welcome because though I have a general idea of where the story's going, I'm not completely sure how to get there.**

**- xoxo fredmyfred**


	2. Shut Up Voice!

**A/N: Takes place after the war, slightly AU (Snape's still alive). Reviews welcome and encouraged, even flames. Unbeta-ed, feel free to point out mistakes. Hope you like.**

**Pairing: HPDM**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just disregard the big red sign that says "Do Not Touch Characters"**

**Warnings: Graphic descriptions of self-injury, m/m slash (don't like, don't read), lots of angst, language, and I might possibly get into some other questionable areas. This story is not really for those with a squickable stomach.**

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one. It's good to know people actually do like my writing.**

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"_It's ok. You don't have to go through this alone any more."_

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Chapter 2 - Shut Up Voice!

Harry had finished cleaning the dried blood off of Draco's arm and was now wrapping it with a soft bandage that had previously been a handful of grass.

"Potter, why are you helping me? I've been a complete arse to you the entire time you've known me. You should be off with your friends, making jokes about what a pathetic prick I am." Harry just stared at Draco, wondering what could possibly have gone so wrong in his life to make him think of himself this way.

"I suppose it's just who I am. I don't think I could stand to see anyone suffer like this, no matter what they've done to me in the past. But Draco," said Harry with a very serious face, "I can only help as much as you allow me to. I know this isn't easy, but I hope you care enough about yourself to get better."

Harry knew he sounded cheesy, but he could feel himself going into "inspirational speech mode" and was powerless to stop it. The Gryffindor worried that he may have gone a bit overboard, but his words seemed to have had the right effect on Draco. The blond sat quietly with his hands folded in his lap.

Although the rest of his face was expressionless, the hint of fear that pierced Draco's silver eyes when he looked into Harry's emerald ones betrayed his true emotions.

"Do you really think I can stop this, Potter? I don't see how," whispered Draco so quietly that Harry had to strain to catch his words. "What do you want me to do?" The Slytherin's tone was one of a person who wants so desperately to have hope, but does not dare to even consider it.

"Well, I think you know the first part Draco. It will be a lot easier for you to deal with things if you don't have a collection of razors immediately available. So when we get back to the castle I'll come with you to your dormitory and you can give them to me." Draco did not know how to feel about this. His razors had been there for him for the last year and had helped him through his most difficult moments. The idea that he might be so abruptly parted with them scared the blond more than anything. "Potter," he croaked, "I'm not so sure I can handle that…" Draco felt ashamed, but he figured it was better than staying silent.

Harry frowned a little, "I think you can. We've still got a while before we need to fly back to the castle; it's only 3:00. That's enough time to work out some ways to face this. But first…is there anything you want to talk about Draco? It's safe here, there's no chance that anyone but me will hear, and I promise not to criticize you." Harry realized how recovery cliché he sounded. _'Hmmm,'_ he thought to himself, _'maybe I'd make a better therapist than I would an auror.'_

"Well, Potter, I really don't know why I'm even sitting here talking to you in the first place. I think I must be crazy. There's nothing wrong with me, and even if there was, why would I ever tell you about it?" Draco crossed his arms and leaned away from Harry, trying to ignore the voice of reason in his head. '_Why are you pushing him away? Maybe he could help…shut up voice, I don't need help, I am fine. No you're not. Yes I am, Malfoy's are always fine. Draco's aren't always fine. Oh, but they are. You're not fine. YES I AM!_'

"No Draco, there's nothing wrong with you at all," said Harry sarcastically, "That's why I just spent the last ten minutes bandaging your arm. Now, it's pretty obvious that you have a lot of issues to work through, and I could guess at what they are, but I'd rather you just tell me. But I guess I can't forceyou to talk, so we'll have to focus on thinking of things you can do instead of cutting for now."

'_Damn, he's actually going to try to help, no matter what I say. Well your little plan to stop him didn't work, did it? Hahah, insults won't save you now! Grr…shut up voice._' The war in Draco's head continued to rage on. "Potter, did it ever occur to you that maybe it's none of your business whether I stop or not? We hate each other, remember? Mortal enemies for life?"

Harry shrugged. "Things change. I don't hate you any more, and I don't believe that you hate me either. The war's over Draco. There's nothing to be gained from us hating each other now."

"You…don't hate me?" the blond asked, slightly stunned by the possibility.

"No. In fact, I'm not sure I ever really did. I definitely did not like you a lot of the time, but hate was reserved exclusively for Voldemort." Harry was amused by the look on Draco's face and had to resist the strong temptation to conjure a mirror. _'Then again, maybe I should stick to the plan. Therapists definitely shouldn't be tempted to do things like that…'_ Harry thought to himself.

"I…I never thought…why do you…but I thought for sure you hated me…" Draco stammered, clearly in shock.

"Why? Do you hate you, Draco?" Harry hoped to catch the Slytherin off guard and get him to reveal something. It was going to be a long afternoon if he couldn't get anything more out of the blond.

_'More than you could ever know,' _said Draco's mind. For once there was no disagreement. "No, of course not. I like myself…" Harry gave Draco a look that unmistakably said 'I do not believe you and I think you're lying through your teeth.' "I do!" protested Draco.

"And how's that working for you?" asked Harry with a sly smile. Draco said nothing, just huffed and slumped back against the couch before remembering that Malfoy's do not slouch. "Right, so…things you can do instead of cutting. Any ideas? I have a few but I think it's better if you come up with some first; you know what activities you like and dislike, I don't."

Draco sighed, _'I suppose I should just play along. Or you could actually try what he's suggesting. Ugh, I'm going to hex you, you fucking little nag, now shut it.'_ He said the most obvious thing that came to mind, "well, I like flying and playing Quidditch, but you already knew that."

"Ok, that's a good start. What else?" Harry picked up a rock and tapped it once with his wand. "Writerus," he said, and the rock turned into a pad of paper and a self-inking quill. He held them out to Draco, "I don't have to know what they are, do you want to write them down?"

"Potter, I really don't care if you know what I like to do, it's not like you'd be able to hold it against me." Draco ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it slightly.

Harry suddenly realized that Draco's hairstyle had completely changed. '_How did I not notice that? Hermione, Ron, and I made fun of his hair enough when we were younger…' _thought Harry. And indeed, the blond had stopped slicking his hair back with his daily bottle of gel. Instead, he kept it just short enough to keep it from falling in his eyes, and slightly messy without the wildness that characterized Harry's own tangled locks. _'Just messy enough to be adorable,'_ he thought. _'Wait a second there…'_

Before Harry could fully process his last thought he was interrupted by Draco. "Potter?" he said in a questioning tone. When Harry did not respond immediately, Draco repeated it a bit more urgently, "Potter??"

"Huh, what?" said Harry. "Sorry, I was just…thinking about something." He blushed slightly, looking down in hopes that Draco would not see. He had no such luck, however.

"Potter, why are you blushing? Exactly what were you thinking about?" Draco looked suspicious. Harry quickly came up with the first lie he could think of.

"Well, I thought of something else for you to do. I believe I heard something about you being the 'sex god of Slytherin.' So I just figured…well you know…" Draco's face fell and Harry realized too late what he had implied.

"I think I would rather have you hate me than think of me like that. 'Sex god of Slytherin,' yeah right. It was just a prank by some of the older Slytherins in my third year. They got everyone to start calling me that, I guess because they thought it would embarrass me. Now everyone thinks I'm some big player and because of that, nobody wants to have a serious relationship with me; I'm just the person you go to when you want a quick shag. So sure, I could sleep with almost anyone I want, but I don't. And people still won't give it up…it really sucks." Draco looked miserable, but as soon as he became aware of this he changed his expression. _'Malfoy's do not show weakness!'_

"I'm so sorry Draco," Harry began.

"Don't be. It wasn't you who did it. Besides, it's not as if I'm some innocent victim. I probably deserve it." The blond's tone was bitter, and Harry could tell that the Slytherin truly believed every word he had just spoken.

"Nobody deserves that. And I'm sure you'll eventually find someone who's right for you. You just have to give it time. Besides, it's not like you'd have any trouble attracting people with your looks. It's just a matter of proving to them that you're not the person they think you are." Draco looked up, _'did Harry just say I was attractive?'_ Now it was his turn to blush. He noticed Harry looking at him and quickly redirected the conversation.

"Anyway, now that we've established that I'm not actually a sex addict, can we move on?" Harry nodded in assent.

Harry and Draco spent the next two hours trying to think of realistic things the blond could easily do to distract himself. They decided that flying might not be a very practical thing to put on the list, as Draco could not simply whip out his broomstick at his leisure. In total, the two boys came up with twenty ideas; seven of them had been dragged out of the stubborn Slytherin by Harry, and the other thirteen he had supplied himself. They now read over the list to see if anything missing:

Things To Do Instead of Other Things

(Harry and Draco decided that the title should be vague in case anyone found the list)

1. Stay in the company of others and find someone (meaning Harry, of course) if alone.

2. Write down why you think you should and shouldn't do things.

3. Get all your school assignments done.

4. Walk around the castle.

5. Talk to one of the ghosts (they both agreed that Moaning Myrtle should be excluded).

6. Sleep.

7. Pet an owl/cat/rat/toad.

8. Play board games with an elf from the kitchen.

9. Go shopping (Draco's favorite idea).

10. Write about how your day was or other topics.

11. Read a book.

12. Find a way to prank Crabbe or Goyle and frame whoever you did not prank.

13. Draw on yourself with red marker (they thought it better not to say arm on the list).

14. Take a shower.

15. Hex first years (Harry did not like it but Draco insisted on including it).

16. Find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Wizard Pop.

17. Terrorize Filch.

18. Practice brewing potions.

19. Do a muggle puzzle (Harry said he'd get one for Draco).

20. Work on your wizard card collection.

"Hmm…I think the list is pretty good. If you think of other things you can always put them on there. Well, it looks like it's getting dark, so I think we need to be getting back. But first…" Harry pulled out two Sickles and tapped each with his wand, turning one gold and the other a more brilliant silver. Each coin had the letter H on one side and D on the other; the letters on the gold coin were written in red and in green on the silver coin. Harry handed Draco the red and gold coin.

"What's this?" Draco asked curiously. _'And why do I get the coin with Gryffindor colors,'_ he thought to himself.

"It's a way for you to contact me if you need to. Press the H if you just want to talk, and the D if you need me right away. The letter you press will light up on my coin so I know to find you." Harry looked sheepishly at Draco, feeling a little awkward.

"Wow, that's pretty…Gryffindorish of you," replied the blond, unsure of what to say. "I suppose I should thank you, although I don't know if I'll ever actually use it."

"Well, I hope you will. I'd like for us to be friends Draco, so take it as something a friend would do for another friend. So, I was wondering; would you be willing to talk to me again? It doesn't have to be as intense as today was." The raven-haired teen lightly bit his lip, nervous about the response he would get.

"I guess it might be alright for us to be friends, just don't expect me to get over all those years of us fighting and loathing each other overnight, ok? But, yeah, I suppose I'd be willing to talk to you again." Draco was seriously doubting his judgment. _'How could I just give in like that? I'm so weak. No, you're not. you were strong enough to let yourself be vulnerable…yay progress! Ugh, I'm in over my head here.'_

"Good. Does tomorrow work for you? We can't go into Hogsmeade on Saturdays, so I don't think there's anything for me to do other than sit around listening to Hermione nag me and Ron about catching up on schoolwork and Ron whining about Hermione's nagging. Meet me in the Great Hall at noon?" The blond nodded slightly.

"Yeah, I guess. But shouldn't we be going now? The sun's almost fully set." He picked up his broomstick. Harry nodded as he took his, and both boys kicked off the ground, Harry waving his wand over the meadow to turn everything back to normal. It just wouldn't do for there to be big red couches in the middle of the foothills.

As Draco rode, he wondered if Harry would forget about the first part of his "recovery." He certainly hoped so.

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**Alrighty, chapter two's done. Yay! Reviews would be wonderful. Ten points to anyone who can guess the seven things on the list that Draco came up with. It is now 3:02 AM, so hopefully my staying up this late did not affect the quality of the chapter.**

**-xoxo fredmyfred**


	3. Can You Resist Me?

**A/N: Takes place after the war, slightly AU (Snape's still alive). Reviews welcome and encouraged, even flames. Unbeta-ed, feel free to point out mistakes. Hope you like.**

**Pairing: HPDM**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just disregard the big red sign that says "Do Not Touch Characters"**

**Warnings: Graphic descriptions of self-injury, m/m slash (don't like, don't read), lots of angst, language, and I might possibly get into some other questionable areas. This story is not really for those with a squickable stomach.**

**Ok everyone, I'm sorry I haven't updated in a really long time. I had 5 AP tests to prepare for. But now they are over and I am back to more important things. So here it is: chapter 3.**

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_As Draco rode, he wondered if Harry would forget about the first part of his "recovery." He certainly hoped so._Chapter 3 – Can You Resist (Me)?

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The boys touched down in front of the great double doors that marked the entrance to Hogwarts. Draco was feeling increasingly nervous as they walked across the threshold together. Luckily it was somewhat late, and most students were back in their common rooms by this time. Draco didn't know that he wanted anyone to see him and Harry anywhere near each other; he didn't think he could take it if anyone figured out that their relationship had changed. '_Wait, what relationship?'_ he thought.

"So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then Potter. I'm just going to go off to bed now. Good night." Draco was trying his hardest to keep his tone calm; he didn't want Potter coming with him back to the dungeons.

"Nice try, Draco, but you're not fooling me. I'm coming with you. Once I'm sure you're safe, I'll leave, but first we need to take care of some things." Harry raised an eyebrow at Draco, daring him to resist this. The Slytherin realized there was no way out of this, so he gave in.

"Fine, follow me, and put your cloak on; if the Bloody Baron sees you, you'll never be able to get in." Harry couldn't argue with that. He vaguely wondered how Draco knew about his invisibility cloak, but he obliged and draped it over himself anyway.

Harry walked with Draco down to the dungeons, where the portrait of Salazar Slytherin was glaring at Draco, annoyed. The teen sighed as he realized why he had ended up with Harry in the first place. Reading his expression, the portrait remarked, "Well look who it is now. It's Mr. I-Don't-Know-The-Password-So-I'm-Going-To-Scream-At-Salazar. I don't suppose you have it now…so I guess you're out of luck." Draco rolled his eyes; he so did not need this right now.

However, just as the blond turned around to shrug apologetically to Harry, Pansy Parkinson rounded the corner and recognized her friend. "Oh, Drakey, is old Sal giving you a hard time?" She turned to the portrait to chastise the black-bearded figure within. "You know Sally, you really need to work on your people skills. All day long you yell at us, even when we don't deserve it. Would it kill you to be a little nicer?" Salazar opened his mouth in outrage, but before he could say anything Pansy sighed and said, "Love potion." The portrait swung open.

"Aww, Drakey, don't take it so hard; he's just an old coot." The teen's face was ashy, although the bitter old Slytherin was hardly the cause. Pansy, Draco, and Harry climbed through the portrait and Draco stood facing his friend, Harry standing awkwardly behind him.

"Yeah, I know. Thanks for letting u-I mean me in, he already refused to let me in once today." Draco hoped that Pansy had not noticed his slip of the tongue. It became obvious that she hadn't, as she began to ramble about some Gryffindor in their transfiguration class who had somehow managed to turn his hand into a teacup.

When the two Slytherins (and Harry) got to their common room, Draco tried to shake off Pansy and get up to the dorm, but the petite girl protested.

"Oh, come on Draco, won't you stay awhile? We could talk like we used to; you've been so distant lately, did I do something?" She put on the best pout face she could manage, but Draco would not be convinced.

"No, no, Pansy, you haven't done anything. I was just out flying all day and now I'm exhausted. All I really want to do is get in bed. We'll talk some other time, alright?" Harry was pleasantly surprised to see that Draco was not always the arrogant prick he thought he knew.

"I'm holding you to that Drakey, don't think you're getting off that easily," the mousy Slytherin shot back. Draco nodded and walked up the steps to his dormitory, Harry in tow. He opened the door and entered the room, which was bathed in an eerie green light characteristic of the entire Slytherin house.

The first thing Harry noticed about the room was that it was empty. As if in response to this thought Draco said, "You can take off that cloak now Potter, nobody's going to come in." Harry thought this a little odd, but he removed the shimmering cloth.

"Why isn't anyone here? I know Slytherins aren't known for following the rules, but they can't all be breaking curfew, right?" Draco gave Harry a thin smile, amused.

"Nobody's breaking curfew Potter…well, maybe Theo. Blaise will be in one of the girls' rooms right now. Ninety percent of the Slytherin girls are dying to sleep with him, so he averages at least two a night.

Theo is a little less picky; he takes girls from the other houses up to the astrology tower, and I've heard that there have been a few guys as well. Personally, I think he would fuck anything with a heartbeat.

Crabbe and Goyle have been a couple since our second-year, so who even knows what they do? I'm actually quite terrified to open any type of closet in the dorms. Seeing them together once was one time too many." Draco shuddered at his last remark.

"Oh," was all Harry could say at the moment. "Erm, well…good for them I suppose." An awkward silence fell over the room until Harry could get past the wonderful mental images Draco had painted for him. "So, can we get on with this then?"

The blond sighed, "I suppose I don't have a choice, do I?" Harry shook his head. Draco walked over to his bed and pulled out a gilded wooden box from underneath it. He opened the box to show Harry the set of shiny razors within. "Well, I suppose I should give you this to start with." Harry nodded and took the box. Draco then dug through his school trunk and located his set of potions knives, which he had once used to cut himself when he left his bag (with his razor set in it) in the quidditch locker room. "I do need actually need these for potions though Potter, so you'll have to bring them with you when we have class." Draco held out the small leather case to Harry.

"Of course. No problem Draco." Harry took the knives with an encouraging smile. Draco tried to return the look, but his anxiety level made it difficult and what was meant to be a smile came out as a kind of half grimace. "So, anything else?" asked Harry.

"Not that I can think of," replied Draco. This was only half true. While he had given Harry all the things he _liked_ to cut with, he had not given him everything he _could_ use. However, handing over those items would have posed a potential problem, due to the fact that the various shaving razors and pocket knives that populated random drawers throughout the dormitory were owned by Draco's roommates.

"Right, well I hope you'll understand that I have to check for myself," said Harry, pulling out his wand. _"Accio Draco's cutting instruments."_ Several things flew across the room to Harry's waiting hand. The summoning spell had extracted three safety pins and a broken mirror from the depths of Draco's school trunk. The blond had honestly forgotten about them, but a faint pink still appeared on his cheeks and he hung his head.

"Sorry…I haven't used those in a long time. I forgot they were in there." Draco avoided looking into Harry's emerald eyes.

"It's alright. The important thing is that I have them now. Hopefully this will make it a bit easier for you to resist." The boys stood awkwardly for a moment, neither knowing quite what to say. It was Harry who finally broke the silence. "So, are you going to be alright tonight, Draco? You're sure that none of your roommates can sleep in here with you?"

Draco laughed sarcastically. "Ha, and what would I say, Potter? Oi, Blaise, come babysit me tonight and make sure I don't cut myself? No, Potter, there's nothing for it: I'm sleeping alone tonight, just as I've been doing for quite some time now."

Harry sighed, "I guess you're right. If I was a slytherin, I'd sleep with you, but…" He paused, turning bright red as he realized that his statement had sounded decidedly less innocent than he had intended. Draco looked very uncomfortable, although Harry couldn't have known that this was because Draco wasn't against the suggestion.

"Ahh, no…I mean…that's not what…but…that came out really wrong! You know I would never…I mean I'm not…ergh, I'll just start over, yeah? I meant I can't very well sleep in the same dorm room with you since we're not in the same house. I doubt Snape would be very understanding if he found me." The raven haired teen sighed and rubbed his temples, very embarrassed.

Draco's light grey eyes turned stormy at the mention of Snape. "He doesn't come to check on us, he's too busy with my…never mind. But nobody would actually know you were here since my roommates never come back before noon on Saturdays. Nor do I think they would care. You'd be surprised at the things we Slytherins accept without question; we're very tolerant actually. But of course, you would never want to sleep here, and I'm sure your roommates would notice. And even if you did, it's not necessary at all; I've been fine up until now, I'll be fine tonight." Now it was Draco's turn to blush. Why was he telling Potter there would be nothing wrong with him sleeping here?

Harry regarded him with an apprehensive eye; he really didn't think it was a good idea for the blond to spend the night alone. "Well, I hope you're right Draco, I really do. It's late, so I guess I should get back to my own dorm. Just…remember your list, yeah? And if you need me for any reason at all, you've got that coin. So, I suppose this is good night then…"

"Yeah, good night Potter. Don't lose any sleep over me, there's really no reason." Draco tried his best to give a convincing smile, knowing that the Gryffindor would most likely see through it. And Harry did, but his hands were tied, so to speak.

"Alright, I'll see you tomorrow then…bye." Before the ice prince's eyes, Harry disappeared in the folds of his cloak and Draco heard footsteps headed towards the dormitory door. He waited until the door opened and shut again to collapse on his bed.

* * *

"Oh Merlin, what just happened?" whispered an exasperated Draco, pressing his hands to his forehead. The day had been thoroughly overwhelming for him. Not only had someone found out his biggest weakness and darkest secret, but that someone had been his biggest rival. And then he wasn't his rival. And then he cared. And then…what? The cognitive dissonance was too much to handle. And what was this feeling Draco had now? Could it be? _'NO! I will not be like my father, I refuse!' _thought Draco.

In an instant the pain Draco had felt that morning came cascading back into consciousness and he found himself in a complete panic. _'Oh no, no, no! This is not happening! I won't think about this, I can't!'_ But the thoughts prodded their way into his unwilling mind, and for once Draco did not know what to do. For a good half hour he waged a mental war with himself. _'I can't cut, Harry will be so disappointed…'_ he thought, _'Ahh but this is too much! Fuck, I need to stop thinking about this, why do I have to feel like...argh I have to make it stop!'_ And with that, the last of Draco's willpower was spent. He got off his bed and walked into the bathroom, pulling open the drawer with Theo's shaving razors. He would never tease his roommate again for insisting on shaving like a muggle.

Draco knew one replacement head would never be missed from the hundreds in the drawer, so he grabbed one and went back to his bed. The blond closed the curtains, spelling them so that nobody could intrude and casting a silencing charm as well. The Slytherin let out broken, rough sobs that racked his slender body. Tears still streaming down his elegant face, Draco pulled his robe over his head so that he was clothed in only a white undershirt, his left forearm bare except for one thing.

When Draco saw the bandage still on his arm, he remembered exactly why he should not do what he was about to do. And the shame of that made everything worse. He pulled it off, exposing the ten cuts that now looked days old. Apparently Harry had put a healing charm on the bandage. Draco broke the plastic piece of the shaver and pulled apart the three thin razors it had held together. He picked one up and put it to his arm.

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**Oh my goodness, what a cliffhanger…I feel evil. But I think I'll wait to post the next chapter until I get some reviews, let's say five…I don't think that's too much to ask for, considering the traffic I see. So if you like it, hate it, whatever…review!**

**xoxo**

**fredmyfred**


	4. Weekend Woes

**A/N: Takes place after the war, slightly AU (Snape's still alive). Reviews welcome and encouraged, even flames. Hope you like.**

**Pairing: HPDM**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I just disregard the big red sign that says "Do Not Touch Characters"**

**Warnings: Graphic descriptions of self-injury, m/m slash (don't like, don't read), lots of angst, language, and I might possibly get into some other questionable areas. This story is not really for those with a squickable stomach.**

**Alright alright, I know I haven't updated in a really long time...don't kill me please. I hope you like this chapter, I worked hard on it. Sorry for the lack of smut, I promise it's coming very soon. Mmmk, enough said...enjoy, R&R.**

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_Draco broke the plastic piece of the shaver and pulled apart the three thin razors it had held together. He picked one up and put it to his arm._

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Chapter 4 – Weekend Woes

Draco pulled the razor away. Tears continued to flow down his pale face, and there was nothing to say that they were going to stop any time soon. Draco put the razor back to his arm…and pulled it away once more. _'I have to make this stop…this is the only way I know how,'_ thought Draco. But something in the back of his mind prodded him, _'the list Draco, look at the list!'_ Reluctantly, Draco pulled the folded parchment out of his pocket and opened it. _'Ok, number one doesn't work_ _(stay with people). Number two (make a list of pros and cons)…oh, what the hell?' _

The distraught teen grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill from his nightstand drawer. On one side of the top of the parchment he wrote, 'Why should I?' and on the other side, 'Why should I not?' Choking on his sobs, the Slytherin began to write.

_'Why should I?'_ he thought. _'Because I can't stand feeling like this and it will make it go away, because I'm a failure and a weak person, because I can't fucking stand to be me, because I think I'm going to explode if I don't fucking stop crying!'_ A million more things rushed into Draco's mind, but putting forth a lot of effort, he pushed them aside temporarily and thought, _'Why should I not?'_ Only one thing came into his mind before his 'Why should I?s' overwhelmed him again. _'Harry.'_

_'This isn't working!'_ thought Draco. _'Now I've failed at this, too. I'm never fucking good enough! I'll never be worthy of Harry's attention; he'll never lo-…'_ Draco realized what he had almost thought, and that killed any willpower he had left.

Draco picked up the razor and put it back to his arm for a third time, but his time he did not pull it away. Instead he dragged it across his arm, making a neat line and causing tears of blood to stain his pale skin. His painful thoughts lessened as they were replaced with physical pain, but it was not yet enough.

Draco methodically pulled the razor across his arm, the thin lines hurting him more and more until finally it was the only thing he could think about. Draco sighed as the tension was relieved, and collapsed onto his bed. The Slytherin had stopped crying, but the force of his sobs had left him winded, heart beating wildly. He lay on his bed until his breathing returned to a normal pace and his heart no longer threatened to propel itself out of his chest.

As everything else completely cleared away, the pale teen was left only with the throbbing pain of his arm and the feeling of cool wetness as the blood dried. Draco examined his injuries lucidly for the first time. This was his worst episode yet. Straight red lines about a half inch apart covered his forearm from wrist to elbow; he didn't even want to count how many. The worst ones still bled, although none put him in immediate danger.

Draco felt exhausted. Normally he would clean and bandage his wounds, but tonight he did not want to. Tonight he wanted to let the blood spill over his arm. Tonight he wanted to let the pretty red cuts run themselves dry, unhindered by a healing spell or something as simple as pressure applied by a cloth. But most of all, tonight he wanted to hurt, for he knew that when the row of uniform gashes stopped hurting, the agony would return.

The Ice Prince waved his wand, and he was instantly clothed in pajamas consisting of flannel pants and a short-sleeved shirt, taking care not to disturb his arm. Another charm brushed his teeth as he wriggled under his green silk sheets. What did it matter if blood stained his bed? Yawning, he placed the glamour back on his arm, pulled his curtains closed to ensure complete darkness, and finally went to sleep.

* * *

Harry felt very uneasy as he walked back to his common room. He didn't like the fact that Draco was alone at night and thought it was an especially bad idea for the Slytherin to be alone that particular night, after all that had happened. Still, there was not too much Harry could do about it at the moment, so he settled for telling himself that he would think about the issue and find a solution as soon as possible.

_'Besides,'_ thought Harry, _'I have all the things he uses to cut with…that should at least prevent him from doing it tonight, right?' _Harry sighed. As much as the onyx haired boy tried to convince himself that there was no way for Draco to hurt himself now, deep down he knew that there was never a way to completely ensure that.

_'Well, I don't like it, but tonight I'll have to trust Draco…'_ Harry thought before shaking his head in doubt, _'But it's almost guaranteed he'll do it anyways. Today took a lot out of him; I'll be amazed if he is able to resist the urge with that amount of stress.'_ Harry thought back on the day and how his perception of the Ice Prince had been irreversibly changed as soon as he picked up that bloody razor from the bathroom floor. In that instant, Harry had realized that the real Draco was an actual person, a being who felt guilt, sadness, and loneliness just as he did. He was not just a hardened mass of evil incapable of caring for anything or anyone other than himself. In fact, it would seem that the Slytherin actually cared very little for himself.

Harry reached the portrait of the fat lady and absentmindedly said, "Twin souls." The portrait swung open, allowing him access to the common room. As it was late, Ron, Neville, Dean, and Seamus were already asleep; curtains drawn around their beds, Ron snoring noisily from his. Harry quietly put on his pajamas and removed his glasses. He climbed into his own four-poster and pulled the hangings shut, but it was a long time before sleep finally came to him. Harry found himself turning his green and silver coin over and over in his hand, a certain tall, handsome Slytherin on his mind.

* * *

"Draco? Draco? Are you planning on ever getting up? You'll miss breakfast if you don't get your arse out of bed now." It was morning, and Draco realized that Blaise had returned a bit earlier than expected, and was now trying to rouse him. Suddenly he was blinded by sunlight as the dark-skinned Slytherin pulled the curtains around his bed wide open. The blond sat up, bleary-eyed, to stare at his dormmate before laying back down and pulling his comforter over his head.

"Luff mrgh lone Blay!" came a muffled voice from beneath the green blanket. Blaise chuckled to himself before ripping the comforter clean off of Draco's bed. "Hey! I said leave me alone Blaise!" The pale Slytherin was not happy about being so rudely awakened; he had planned on sleeping for at least another two hours.

"Oh come on Draco, I don't feel like eating breakfast by myself. Besides that, you need to eat something for once, you look bloody awful. What did you do last night that's got you looking so knackered?" Blaise raised an eyebrow at Draco, who flinched as he remembered exactly what he had done the last night. This did not go unnoticed by his dormmate. "Seriously though, what's going on, mate? You never eat with us any more, you don't want to go out, and you don't even bother to try to insult people. It's no fun doing it by myself."

Draco couldn't think of anything to say, so he just gave Blaise his trademark withering sneer, forgetting that his best friend was impervious to it. The black boy rolled his eyes.

"You know that doesn't work on me, Dra-…hey, what is that?!" Blaise was staring at the blond's sheets, eyes wide in shock. "Is that blood Draco? What the hell did happen last night, are you hurt?" A wave of panic swept over the ice prince before he could collect himself.

"Wow, Blaise," he drawled, "you've certainly gotten nosy…and since when have you been freaked out by a little blood? And what's it to you if I'm hurt…I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Just mind your own business, will you?" Draco crossed his arms and could not prevent a hiss from escaping his lips as the inflamed gashes concealed by his glamour rubbed up against his other arm. Blaise was about to protest, but he knew better than to press Draco when he was in such a snit and so, making a mental note to bring it up later, he reluctantly gave in.

"Alright, alright, don't bite my head off…I'm your best mate, ok? I tend to feel that I have somewhat of an obligation to make sure you're alright. I'm not stupid, I know there's something going on, Draco, but I suppose I can't force you to tell me. But will you please just come to breakfast with me this morning?"

"Fine, fine, if it will get you off my back I guess I'll go. But you'll have to wait for me to get ready, I refuse to go down like this," said Draco, motioning to himself.

Blaise shook his head and laughed, "I swear mate, sometimes you are SUCH a girl…hey! Draco had thrown a pillow at his head at this last remark, before jumping out of bed and running into the bathroom before his friend could retaliate.

* * *

It took an hour and a half and Blaise threatening to forcibly drag him down to the Great Hall for Draco to be satisfied that he looked good enough to meet Harry later that day. He was wearing a knit grey vest over a white long-sleeved shirt with his favorite pair of black pants. His hair was mussed in a sexy way, but not overly ruffled.

Blaise and Draco sat down at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall, where breakfast immediately appeared before them. Draco was so nervous about his upcoming date with Harry (_'Did I just think date?'_) that he could barely keep his hand still to force a spoonful of oatmeal down his throat into his butterfly-filled stomach. His anxiety grew greatly as the minutes dragged on and he did a very poor job of hiding it from his best friend, who finally snapped.

"Alright, Draco…what the hell is up with you?! I can't stand guessing any more. Is it girl problems, family problems, what?" Draco tried to glare at Blaise but he couldn't even meet his eyes. Tired of lying, he gave in.

"Ok, fine fine, you're so nosy. If you absolutely must know, I'm meeting someone in a little while and I'm kind of nervous about it, alright?" Blaise smiled knowingly.

"I knew it was girl problems…that's kind of odd for you though, isn't it? Well, anyways, I suppose it does explain how you've been acting lately." Draco's eyes grew wide and Blaise laughed, "Well I'm not stupid enough to expect you to tell me who it is, so just tell me how it goes later, ok? I've got to get going though, I've got to get started on Snape's homework…three feet on the uses of bats' wings in one weekend is no picnic." The dark boy got up from the table, leaving his pale counterpart looking shocked and slightly dismayed.

At five past noon Harry Potter walked into the Great Hall to see Draco Malfoy sitting alone at the Slytherin table staring blankly into space, seemingly deep in thought. There were very few people around, so Harry went over and tapped the blond on the shoulder, startling him. "Oh, sorry to surprise you. Ready to go?" he asked with a friendly smile.

Draco half returned the expression, but did not fully meet the Gryffindor's eyes. The two boys exited swiftly, leaving enough space between them so that it did not look suspicious. Neither wanted the other students to catch onto their friendship quite yet; Harry did not want to do anything to jeopardize their developing relationship and certainly not when he knew how thin Draco's trust in him currently was.

"So, any ideas about where you want to go?" asked Harry, trying to keep the conversation as neutral as possible until he was sure nobody would overhear them.

"I was actually thinking it might not be the greatest idea to visit Hogsmeade today…everyone's going to be there and someone might see us…maybe the lake would be better?" Draco looked at his shoes, ashamed of his cowardice.

Harry understood and was not offended. "Yeah, that does make more sense now that I think about it. Let's go."

An awkward silence came between the seventh years as they walked out onto the grounds. It was a nice day, warm with a light breeze that created beautiful waves on the lake. Every so often the giant squid surfaced, it's large, saucer-sized eyes glittering in the autumn sun. Harry and Draco sat down on patch of grass under a willow tree so that they were hidden from the sight of other students but still able to see out themselves.

"This is my favorite spot," Harry remarked, "I come here whenever I just want to get away for a while. I actually charmed it in my fourth year so that nobody can hear or see anything that goes on under this willow tree. So, if there's anything you want to discuss, it's between you, me, and the tree…" Harry lay back against the cool wood of the willow's trunk, relaxing against its smoothness.

Draco wrapped his arms around his knees and rested his head on them. _'Do I tell him?'_ he thought frantically. _'No, he'll just be disappointed in you.'_ Unbeknownst to Draco, Harry had already picked up on the blond's body language and made some assumptions that were quite on point.

"Really, you can tell me anything at all," the smaller boy prodded, "I'm not here to judge you." Draco just sighed, so Harry decided to press him a little harder. "So, how did last night go?" he asked.

Draco visibly tensed before trying to play it off. "Oh, you know, it was alright. I slept…" he trailed off, feeling quite guilty about not telling the whole truth.

"Are you sure everything went ok?" Harry was trying to give Draco every chance he could, "nothing else happened after I left? You just went straight to sleep?" The Gryffindor raised a questioning eyebrow at his companion.

"Erm…well, I…I guess not," said Draco, awkwardly, "some things kind of...happened first. I just, it got really…" the teen rubbed his forehead, as if trying to scrub away a memory.

Harry put a hand on the blond's shoulder, "It's alright Draco, I won't make you say it. I knew it wasn't going to be that easy for you to just stop." Green eyes met shocked silver for a moment, as Draco made the realization and hung his head in shame.

_'Harry knows. He knows what a weak, miserable excuse for a wizard I am. I failed him and I failed myself.'_ Through his self-loathing thoughts, the Slytherin managed to mumble two words, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, Draco. You didn't do anything wrong. This is a problem that can't just be fixed overnight. I know that, and it's alright that you slipped up. I'm not mad at you, or disappointed, or anything like that." Harry moved closer to Draco and took hold of his left arm. "I would like to know that you're physically alright though. Is it ok if I take a look at your arm? I'll be gentle." Draco's lip trembled, but he nodded in assent.

Gingerly, Harry peeled back the thin boy's sleeve. He could feel the cuts under the glamour already, and there seemed to be a lot. A wave of the wand later, the enchantment was lifted, and Harry was faced with the angry red lines covering Draco's forearm. He could not stop a small gasp from escaping his lips at the sight, but seeing the effect this had on the blond, he quickly recovered. "It's alright Draco, I just wasn't expecting so many. I'm going to bandage your arm again, ok?"

The Slytherin refused to make eye contact, but instead just nodded his head. He kept his eyes squeezed shut until Harry finally finished his ministrations by taping a large quantity of gauze around his cuts. "Thanks," he said sadly. Draco didn't think he'd ever wanted the earth to swallow him whole more than he did this moment.

"So, I've done some thinking, and I have an idea about what to do to help you at night, Draco." Harry saw the uneasy expression on the blond's face and hoped what he was about to suggest would not scare him too much. "Tonight, I'm going to stay with you so that if you need to talk, I'll be right there. And we won't even have to worry about one of us being in the other's dorm because I've found a place we can stay where we won't have an issue."

"And just where would that be, some random broom closet?" Draco drawled. He could not help slipping his mask back on from time to time. Harry just gave him an incredulous look and shook his head.

"No, it's not a broom closet. Have you ever heard of the Room of Requirement?" Harry's smile dropped as Draco's eyes widened in horror. Suddenly he remembered what had happened in that particular room the previous year and cursed himself for being so stupid. "Oh god, Draco, I'm so sorry…I forgot." Harry sat, contemplating a moment before he spoke again. "It's up to you, but just so you know, the room would be completely different. It changes to suit whatever needs arise. Do you think you'd be willing to try it?" Harry took the blond's hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze.

Draco shuddered as if trying to shake something off. He turned to face the Gryffindor. "I guess you're right. And I suppose it'd be better to stay there than worry about somebody walking in and getting the wrong impression in the dorms."

"Great, that's settled then. So how about we just forget about it for now and try to relax for the rest of the day?" Harry looked at Draco, who slowly nodded. The boys stayed silent for a moment, enjoying the peaceful environment the willow tree provided.

_'Maybe today will actually be a good day,'_ thought Draco, daring to hope for the first time in a while. "That sounds like an excellent idea," he responded. For once, Draco was looking forward to his Saturday.

* * *

**Soooo...what'd you think? If you like it, I sincerely hope you leave a review. If you hated it, I still sincerely hope you leave a review. It's just nice to know people still care enough to read this story. And get excited, because the next chapter is titled, "The Sleepover." You know what that means...**


	5. The Sleepover

**A/N: Ok, yes you can kill me for not updating for like...nine months, wow has it really been that long? But anyways, this chapter's the longest yet, and we get to see a little HPDM action. Squee! If you're looking for warnings and all that check previous chapters. Without further ado, I give you...The Sleepover**

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_ For once, Draco was looking forward to his Saturday._

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Chapter 5 - The Sleepover

"What's your favorite color?" Harry asked Draco. True to his word, Harry was making the effort to avoid difficult topics. The two boys had been sitting under the willow tree for quite a while, neither willing to break the silence but not really minding it either. The sun was just beginning to disappear behind the mountains across the lake. Draco gave the brunette an odd look, to which he replied, "What? If we're trying to be friends then this is crucial information!" Draco rolled his eyes.

"It's blue, if you must know." Harry looked surprised and Draco took the liberty to read his mind. "You thought it was green, yeah? Because I'm in Slytherin? Please…as if I would be that cliché." Harry put his hands up in defense.

"Alright, alright, you said it, not me. But yeah I did expect it to be green. So why is your favorite color blue?" Draco gazed out onto the lake before answering.

"Well, a long time ago, I had this nanny, Marie, who was more of a mother to me than Narcissa ever could be," said Draco, a dark look crossing his pale face as he thought of his biological mother. "She used to take me to the beach and we'd watch the waves. They were this beautiful blue color, and whenever I'd look at them…well, it's stupid, but I could pretend that I was her daughter, that my life wasn't what it was, escape for a few hours. I guess the color blue reminds me of that time." Draco looked sad, so Harry decided to direct the conversation away from what seemed to be a touchy issue.

"Well, this may surprise you, but my favorite color's actually green." Harry grinned when he saw Draco's puzzled face. _'He's so cute when he's confused,'_ he thought before he could stop himself. A light tinge of red crept across the raven-haired boy's face, only adding to Draco's confusion.

"I would have never expected that. Green, huh? Well it does match your eyes. Although, you could hardly call them green; they're more intense…like emeralds…" The words were out of his mouth before the Slytherin even realized it, but once he did, horror coursed through his body. "Oh, shit, I didn't mean…oh no that's not what…" Harry just laughed.

"It's alright Draco, in fact it's kind of refreshing to hear something about them other than how they resemble my mother's." Harry smiled, "Would you feel better if I said something about your eyes? You know, like how they really are very interesting to look at. They're like liquid silver, with specks of light blue, and they're just so…" The two boys were now gazing into each others eyes, both wondering, both afraid.

_'He's so close,'_ thought Draco. _'All I'd have to do would just be to lean in and our lips would meet and…oh god what am I thinking?'_ The Slytherin pulled himself away, ashamed of what he had wanted to do. Harry pulled back as well, afraid that he had done something to damage Draco's trust in him.

Eager to diffuse the awkward situation, Harry quickly changed the subject. "Right, so…how about we plan some activities for tonight. Any ideas?" he asked. "I'm thinking maybe we should do something to get to know each other better. Hey, what about playing Wizard Truth or Dare?"

"No way, Potter…I'm not falling for that. It's just a ploy to try to make me talk about things I've already said I don't want to discuss." Draco gave Harry a cross look and an awkward silence fell between the two boys. Finally Harry had a thought.

"Hmm, would you consider playing if you asked me truths and I only gave you dares?" The Gryffindor considered the repercussions of this suggestion for a moment before deciding that he had faced much worse than slight embarrassment from a game of Wizard Truth or Dare.

Draco thought it over carefully before responding, "I suppose that might be alright…as long as we agree that you can't dare me to tell the truth and that nothing we say or do can leave the room."

"That's fine," said Harry. "I wouldn't have had it any other way. As much fun as it is, I've had some serious issues because of this game…mostly when there was firewhiskey involved." The raven-haired teen looked down, blushing slightly as he remembered some of the previous mishaps that had resulted from botched confidentiality charms during the game.

"Really..." said Draco, suddenly very interested, "Exactly what kind of issues do you mean?"

The Gryffindor blanched, not really sure how prepared he was to give up that information willingly. "Well, I guess you'll just wait for tonight to find out, won't you?" he teased lightly, laughing as Draco scowled at him, clearly disappointed.

"Hmph," he pouted, "I hate waiting. At least tell me what topic it was regarding…" Draco glanced at Harry, slightly annoyed at the brunette's amused expression.

"Ah, but where's the fun in that?" asked Harry, "Nope, you'll just have to figure it out on your own. Luckily, you won't have to wait too long; it's nearly time for dinner. Why don't we go back to the castle and get some food to bring back to the Room of Requirement? I can have Kreacher bring us something from the kitchens."

"Alright, let's get going then. Chop chop, Potter…we've got some serious matters to discuss." Draco stood up rather impatiently and offered a hand to Harry, who was still sitting on the ground. The Gryffindor gave him a questioning look; Draco suddenly realized what he was doing and promptly crossed his arms and looked away. _'What has gotten into me? Get it together, Malfoy's do not show weakness.'_

"Okay, okay Draco, don't get your wand in a knot," replied Harry, pushing himself off the ground.

* * *

The two boys walked back to the castle and before long they were standing in front of the blank patch of wall concealing the Room of Requirement. Harry closed his eyes and walked past the spot three times, a blue door appearing just as he looked up again. The Room of Requirement had turned itself into what resembled a lavish hotel suite. It consisted of two smaller rooms. The first was fairly large: a sitting room containing an ornate couch, two desks, a bookshelf, and even a small fireplace. Double doors led to the bedroom, where Draco was relieved (or so he told himself) to see two queen sized beds.

"So Potter," said Draco, "Can I start with the interro-...I mean...the game?" he asked, with an uncharacteristic grin on his face. Harry was beginning to wonder if he'd made a mistake, but sighed and nodded, sitting down on the couch in the sitting room and motioning for Draco to join him.

"Alright, would you like to cast the game or shall I?" Harry asked the Slytherin, who pondered for a moment before replying.

"I suppose you can cast it, I don't remember all of what it entails. Slytherins don't often play this game, I think you can imagine the consequences of secrets getting into the wrong hands in my house."

"Yeah, I can see how that might not be the best idea. So, anyways, whenever I play I usually cast a confidentiality tongue-binding hex, a truth-telling spell, and an anti-cheating charm. Each person can refuse three truths, in my case, dares in yours, but then they must choose a punishment card...which reminds me..." Harry proceeded to conjure a deck of black cards, reading 'For those faint of heart' and place them on the floor before continuing. "Since dares are considerably more lengthy, I'll let you ask me three questions for each one I give you. Does that sound fair to you?"

Draco considered and nodded in assent. "Just so long as none of those cards require me to do a truth, yeah?"

Harry pulled out his wand and began a series of intricate wand movements, and a shimmering circle appeared and wrapped around the two boys. They each felt a momentary tingling as the magic pressed into them and the circle disappeared.

"There, the game's started," said Harry, smiling encouragingly, "I'll let you go first since I cast it."

* * *

Draco's mind began to race with all the questions he never even realized he had about Harry. This slightly disturbed him, but he was very eager to begin and started out with the question that had plagued him all afternoon.

"What situation, in detail, were you referring to this afternoon when you told me you got into trouble playing Wizard Truth or Dare?" Draco secretly knew this game a little better than he had let on, and knew that he had to be very specific in order for Harry not to be able to wriggle out of the question. Harry swore inwardly when he realized he had been played, but the truth-telling spell was already making its presence known, prodding the story out of him.

"It was sixth year, nearing the holidays, and we were all up in the Gryffindor common room. It was me, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Seamus, Dean, Luna, and unfortunately, Ginny. It was Ginny's turn, and of course, she decided to ask me a truth. She asked me if I'd ever fantasized about anyone before, and I said yes. Somehow, she took it as an admission of my love for her and threw herself on me. Most of us were half gone by this point, but I knew that Ginny hadn't had anything to drink at all and I think that's really what put me over the edge. It was obvious that she had planned it all along and after putting up with her advances for most of first term...I just snapped. Now, try, if you can, to imagine Ron and Ginny's faces when I peeled her off, told her I had never fantasized about her, that every little 'sign' she thought I'd given her was only her desperate attention-seeking, and that I was not, never had been, and never would be interested in her."

Draco looked at Harry in awe. "You really told the she-weasel all that?"

"Yes. Maybe I shouldn't have gone as far as I did, but I _was_ under a truth-telling spell and more than a little tipsy...at least, that was my defense when Ron came after me the next day. Like I said, it caused some serious issues, and because the confidentiality charm was botched, most of Gryffindor heard the next day that I was fantasizing about someone other than Ginny, and that caused an even bigger problem." Harry sighed, knowing what Draco's next question was going to be before he even opened his mouth.

"And just who was it that you were fantasizing about?" Draco asked, briefly amused before his mind shut him down. _'It'd never be me,'_ he thought sadly, but he was caught off guard when Harry blushed a deep red and looked at the floor before reaching for a punishment card.

"Come now Potter, where's your Gryffindor courage?" Draco teased, lightly swatting his hand away from the pile. "You can't chicken out this early in the game, it's only the second question and you cast the confidentiality charm yourself. Whatever you say...it's not leaving this room." Mercury eyes sparkled with delight at Harry's discomfort, but the seeker was not going to divulge the information so easily.

"Alright then, I won't back out, but as you pointed out, it's still early in the game...too early for that question. So how about this, I'll give you a clue now to satisfy the basic question, and later, when you understand certain things, I'll consider telling you who it is." Draco looked annoyed, but nodded his head, realizing that this was the best he would get from Harry.

"Ok, well, you see...I was sort of...erm...thinking about another...boy." Harry choked out uneasily, trying to hide the blush still covering his face by gazing into his lap. Realization dawned on Draco as he took in what the raven-haired boy had just implied.

"You're gay? Potter...the heartthrob of Hogwarts...is gay? Well, I definitely didn't see that one coming..." The blonde could not stop himself from smiling, although he found it more than a little alarming that a part of him seemed to be dancing gleefully.

"Yeah, I'm gay...I like boys and all that, alright? You can stop smirking now Draco!" The Gryffindor was a little unnerved by Draco's expression.

"I'm sorry, it's just...what are the odds? Oh Merlin...those poor girls!" Harry was thoroughly confused by this statement, and even more so when Draco dissolved into laughter.

"It's not that funny Draco...and what do Hermione, Luna, and Ginny have to do with anything?" Harry was beginning to get a little agitated. He had just shared something highly personal with the blonde, and this was not a response he could make sense of. He wasn't quite sure what reaction to expect from the other boy, but certainly not this. Sighing, he gave Draco a reproachful look, which, unfortunately for Harry's ego, only served to make him laugh harder.

Finally, Draco calmed himself enough to reply to Harry's indignation. "I'm not talking about them, you twat...I'm laughing at the fact that between the two of us, we would crush the hearts of every teenage girl in this school if it were to get out that..." said the blonde, trailing off into silence as he realized what he had almost admitted.

* * *

"What are you saying? You don't mean...I mean...surely you're not...are you?" The seeker tripped over his words, trying to grasp what Draco had unwittingly hinted at. The blonde shook his head, needing to stop this before he did something he would regret. "No, forget I said anything Potter, it's just...it can never be..I can't be that way."

A concerned look came over Harry's face, and Draco could not help but think it was adorable before he deliberately pushed the thought away. "Draco, if you're gay, you can tell me. It's never going to leave this room, and I'm obviously not going to judge you since I just admitted the same thing."

"Don't you get it...I can't...I really just...yeah...I am." The last part of Draco's sentence was barely a whisper, and he found himself too ashamed to look Harry in the face. He couldn't believe that he had just acknowledged something he had refused to even consider, much less that he had acknowledged it to Harry Potter. _'Did I just say that? Oh Merlin, kill me now!'_ Harry interrupted before Draco's thoughts could go much further.

"It's alright Draco, there's nothing wrong with liking boys. Bloody hell, I should know. And you don't need to worry, because I could never tell anyone even if I wanted to." Harry reached forward and put his hand on the blonde's shoulder. "Now, you've still got one more question to ask me before I can dare you." Harry gave Draco an encouraging smile, sensing that he needed a distraction.

The Slytherin was still in shock, but he forced himself to brush his confession away for the moment. He still had one more thing on his mind, although it took a minute before he could muster up the courage to ask.

"Why do you care if I cut myself?" Draco asked awkwardly, unconsciously looking down at his arm.

Harry sighed, appearing to struggle a little with the question before replying. _'This is about to get intense,'_ he thought, _'Oh well, there's no going back now.'_

"I guess it's because I understand, a little better than most actually. You see..I erm...I used to cut myself as well..." Harry said reluctantly, pausing for a moment to let Draco process this fact. "So, I know how hard it is, and I can't just stand by and watch someone go through that, especially someone I care about..."

"You mean me?" Draco gave an incredulous laugh, "Why would you ever care about me? I've been a complete prick to you from the first day we met!" The blonde looked at Harry, his eyes shining with guilt and shame.

* * *

_'Oh boy, here it goes,'_ thought Harry. "Draco, I...I've cared about you for a while. I was always too afraid to do anything about it, so I tried to ignore it for the longest time. But...seeing you hurt the way you're hurting now, I just can't bear to no try to help any more. Can...can you say something Draco? I didn't mean to upset you." The brunette was very concerned with the expression Draco was now wearing. It was something between blatant shock and utter disbelief.

"Do you...do you really mean that, Harry?" The Slytherin looked up at the other boy, a tiny shred of hope in his eyes.

"Yeah, I do. I think I first realized it about third year, but I spent a lot of time in denial. And of course with everything that happened, it was hard for me to even consider anything besides how I was going to defeat Voldemort." Harry seemed extremely nervous, and he bit his lip waiting for the blonde's reaction.

"I just don't understand," began Draco, "I just can't see why you would ever..."

"But you don't have to see it. I...I can show you, if you let me." Harry paused, hardly believing that he was about to say the words he had wanted to for so long. "Draco, I have a dare for you, if you'll take it. I want you to know what you mean to me. Will you let me kiss you?" Although the question was tentative, Harry moved closer to the blonde, so that now only a few inches remained between the boys' faces.

Draco seemed to be stunned speechless, so when he nodded ever so slightly, Harry wondered if it wasn't just an involuntary motion. He decided to take a chance. _'It may be the only one I get,'_ he thought, slowly closing the gap between them.

Draco's heart raced as the other boy's lips met his own. The kiss felt so right, and so wrong at the same time. It was passionate, longing, and sincere; Harry seemed to be pouring everything he had felt for the past five years into this one moment, and Draco could not help but respond. When Harry's tongue swept his bottom lip, he opened his mouth to grant entrance; when Harry's arms wrapped around him and pulled him close, he could not resist pressing into the brunette's embrace.

Draco had never been kissed this way before; this kiss was firm, yet gentle, the two boys' tongues dancing in harmony rather than competing for dominance, mouths fitting together as if they were made for each other. It felt so wonderful...too wonderful, and suddenly it was too much for Draco. The blonde froze as the voice of his father rang loud in his mind.

_'You weak little disgrace! Draco, could you be any more useless? Look at me! I have to punish you now, but you know you deserve it, boy. You know this is your fault!'_

_

* * *

_

As soon as Harry realized that the Slytherin had stopped kissing him, he pulled back, although he kept his arms around the boy. An odd expression covered Draco's face; Harry could tell something was off, but before he could ask, the blonde spoke.

"Erm...I'm done with this game, Harry. Now, it's been a long day, so if you don't mind, I think I'd like to go to bed now." Draco's voice was even, but Harry could feel his body trembling with the effort it was taking to hold his emotions back.

"I don't think that's a good idea. Can we talk about what just happened? I know you're holding back, and if you don't let it out I'm afraid of what it might make you want to do." Harry reached up, intending to touch Draco's cheek, but the other boy pulled away from his hand. Still shaking, he refused to make eye contact.

"I'm fine, what's there to talk about?" The Slytherin knew his feeble attempt at masking his emotions would not hold, so before Harry could even open his mouth to protest, he continued. "Ok, well maybe not...but I just can't talk, not tonight anyway. I need some time to think about...things, and it doesn't help that I'm exhausted. So, the only safe thing I can think to do right now is go to sleep." Draco was barely keeping himself together, and as much as he wanted to comfort the blonde, Harry knew that nothing more was going to get through to Draco, so he merely nodded.

The two boys walked in silence to the bedroom, stripped down to boxers and undershirts, brushed their teeth, and slid into the two beds, Harry in the green one, the Slytherin occupying the blue.

"Good night Draco," called Harry softly, "If you need anything I'll be right here." He pulled the covers over himself, but did not close his eyes just yet.

"Thanks. Good night Harry," said Draco. As he turned away from Harry and pulled the blue comforter around him, tears dripped from his eyes, but he forced himself to shut them, and after a while seemed to slip into something resembling sleep. Only when the blonde's breathing evened out did Harry close his own eyes, but it was a while before he was able to clear his mind enough to sleep. He had just barely gotten to sleep when a cry from the blue bed startled him.

"Draco, Draco! Wake up!" Harry was instantly wide awake, and now stood beside the blonde's bed, shaking the whimpering Slytherin. Draco opened his eyes, looking wildly around, his breath coming in gasps. "What's wrong Draco? What happened?" asked Harry, extremely concerned.

Realizing where he was and who he was with, the Slytherin sat up and wrapped his arms around his knees, hiding his face from Harry. "N-None of your business, Potter," said Draco, straining to keep his voice under control. "I'm fine, just go back to bed and leave me alone." The blonde desperately tried to pull himself together, to not show his weakness, but Harry saw through his feeble attempt.

"Bloody hell Draco, you are not fine at all. What happened? Talk to me," Harry pleaded, sitting down next to the shaking teen and placing a hand on his shoulder.

It took a moment before Draco summoned up the last ounce of his self control, plastered on an eerily comical smile, and turned to face Harry again. "There's nothing you can do, Potter. I can handle it on my own."

Harry shook his head, seeing so much of himself in the pale boy. "No, Draco, you can't...and you don't have to any more." Harry's voice was quiet, his next request barely a whisper. "Just let me help you."

"Don't you understand Potter?" Draco retaliated, now attempting to use anger to hide his shame. "Nobody can help me! The only thing that makes this better is…well it doesn't matter, does it? Just…just leave me alone, yeah?" Draco finally lost control and shook as sobs racked his body.

"Shh…Draco, it's okay." Harry sat at Draco's side patiently, determined to get through to the stubborn boy. "Please, please let me help you. You can trust me. Tell me what's going on in your head right now, what have you got to lose?"

It seemed impossible to Draco, but something about the genuine concern in Harry's eyes loosened his guard just enough to allow him to respond.

"Harry....it's just...I...I really really need to cut right now," gasped the blonde between sobs. "It feels like I'm going to break." This last statement was barely audible, and Draco began rocking himself back and forth, his mind racing.

Harry felt his heart ache with the compassion he felt for the shaking boy and an overwhelming desire to make everything better.

"I know, Draco. I know what it feels like right now, but I promise you...this will pass. Just please, try to wait it out with me," said Harry, wrapping his arms around the Slytherin. "Listen, all I ever wanted when I felt like you do now was for somebody to hold me and tell me everything would be alright. I reckon you could use that about now, yeah?" Draco answered by turning into Harry's embrace, clutching desperately to the Gryffindor. Harry pulled him close, and suddenly Draco felt a little better, as if he had finally found something he hadn't known he was missing. Harry brought one hand up to the Slytherin's face, wiping away some of his tears.

"It...it just hurts so much, I don't want to feel this," said Draco, resting his head against Harry's chest. The blonde sounded so lost and scared, so much different from the arrogant person he had appeared to be, Harry reflected.

"I know, but the only way for it to get better is if you do let yourself feel it. Just focus on the next five minutes. I'm here, nothing's going to happen to you. So take some deep breaths and try to let it all out, alright?" Draco nodded and tried to slow his breathing, but his mind was still spinning a mile a minute, filling him with guilt and self-hatred and he wound up sobbing even harder.

Harry just waited patiently, holding his former nemesis until finally the strength of his sobs seemed to be weakening. It took nearly a half hour before this began to happen, but the Gryffindor didn't mind. Eventually Draco's breathing evened out, and the tears stopped soaking the front of Harry's shirt.

"How do you feel now?" asked Harry when the blonde had finally stopped shaking and relaxed against his chest.

"Exhausted," replied Draco wearily. Harry knew he shouldn't, but he could not help but find the way the Slytherin was still clinging to him like a teddy bear slightly endearing.

"I'll bet," Harry replied before a serious look came over his face. " ...Do you still want to cut yourself now?" The question brought forth a few more tears and hitched breaths before the blonde was able to answer.

"Yes," said Draco, letting out a small sigh. "I still want to do it...but...it's not nearly as bad as before."

"Well, I'm very glad for that," said Harry truthfully. "Now, you look like you're about ready to pass out, so why don't we try to get some sleep and we can talk more in the morning?" Draco stiffened at this request when he realized that it would entail detaching himself from the security of Harry's strong arms.

"Yeah, I guess that's probably a good idea," said Draco reluctantly, "I suppose you should...get back to your bed then..." Harry chuckled lightly at this.

"I suppose you haven't noticed then that I no longer have my own bed." A confused Draco looked around the room and realized that the bed that previously occupied the opposite side of the room had disappeared.

"So don't worry Draco," continued the raven-haired teen, "I'm not going anywhere. Come here." Harry finally lay down on the soft blue bed, and the blonde followed suit. Pulling the covers over the both of them, Harry allowed Draco to curl up in his arms, close his eyes, and finally drift into a peaceful sleep. The Gryffindor could not help smiling to himself when he looked at the blonde boy snuggled up to him.'

'He's so cute like this,' he thought wistfully, 'If any moment could last forever...' Very softly, Harry pressed his lips to Draco's forehead, placing a chaste kiss there before drifting off himself.

* * *

**So that's it for now my dear readers...those of you that are left. Hope you enjoyed the new chapter, I am really going to try to be better about updating. Of course if you want more, leaving reviews is a good way to tell me. Feel free to love, hate, whatever on this. Spelling/grammar errors? Tell me, I'll fix them. Til next time fanfic fans...**

**xoxo**

**fredmyfred**


	6. The Lake

**A/N: Ok, shorter chapter, but I thought you all might appreciate a faster update, given I fell really far behind. I'm not completely sure I like this chapter, so I might be making some changes/replacing it. If I do I'll definitely tell you. So yeah, warnings in past chapters, please read and review. I want to know what you think. Does this fit? Is it too similar to past chapters, does it not have enough content? I could really use your help on this one, so let me know, ok? Ok.**

* * *

'He's so cute like this,' he thought wistfully, 'If any moment could last forever...' Very softly, Harry pressed his lips to Draco's forehead, placing a chaste kiss there before drifting off himself.

* * *

Chapter 6 - The Lake

When Draco woke up the next morning, he noticed several things. First, he realized that for the first time in a long time, he was not still tired upon waking. He was even more surprised by the absence of the wave of guilt that usually accompanied hard nights and their subsequent actions. He looked at the sleeping boy still embracing him and smiled.

"Thank you," said Draco softly, not expecting a reply. Harry, however, had only been pretending to sleep and it startled the blonde when green eyes opened to meet his gaze.

"For what?" asked Harry, yawning. The Slytherin was taken aback and struggled to come up with an answer.

"Well...er...for last night. Yeah, I guess...just thanks, ok?" Draco looked down, suddenly feeling very self-conscious.

"No problem Draco. I'm happy to help you in any way I can." An awkward silence fell between the two boys; surprisingly, the blonde was the one to break it.

"So, what now?" he asked, sitting up in the soft bed. The Slytherin had suddenly become aware of the heat pooling in his groin and was anxious to hide it from the black haired boy.

"I don't know," said Harry, yawning and stretching in a way that did nothing for Draco's predicament. "What do you want to do?"

_'Kiss you,'_ said Draco's head, but he thanked Merlin that his mouth did not betray him as well. "Umm...I want to swim," he said, laughing at the strange look Harry gave him. "What? The cold water clears my head..."

"It's September Draco, the water in the lake's freezing, isn't it?" The blonde merely shrugged at the Gryffindor's exclamation. Harry thought the suggestion through for a moment and concluded that it wasn't actually such a crazy idea. "Well...I suppose it would be alright as long as we didn't stay in too long," he said hesitantly. "And if you say it helps, then I guess I'd be willing to try it."

The two boys exited the Room of Requirement after changing into the swim trunks that had so conveniently appeared on the bedside table and putting on t-shirts as well. It was still early in the morning; breakfast hadn't even started yet and there was not a soul on the grounds as the pair walked out the huge front doors and made their way to the black lake.

"Ready Draco?" asked Harry, removing his t-shirt. Draco looked over at Harry and immediately wished he hadn't. The seeker's body nearly made his mouth drop; Draco could not help but gaze at the lean muscles of Harry's abs, admire the strength so apparent in his arms, stare longingly at the line of dark hair running from just below his navel down to...

_'Oh fuck,'_ thought Draco as he realized the effect his mutinous thoughts were having on his body. He had to do something quickly, before the Gryffindor caught sight of his now very obvious erection. So Draco did the only thing he could: he turned and ran...

Pulling off his t-shirt, the Slytherin plunged into the frigid water of the lake, gasping as the biting cold stole the breath from his chest. The shock proved effective, however, and Draco's building sexual frustration disappeared. He sighed, wishing there was a better way to solve the problem than icy water. Slowly he stood up, making sure that he was deep enough out that his lower half would be covered.

When the blonde had turned and run, Harry's competitive side immediately kicked in. Laughing, he chased after Draco, splashing into the water behind the pale boy. The water was freezing, but the Gryffindor wasn't thinking about that. Instead, he was watching the lithe body in front of him. The water lapped over the bottom of Draco's toned stomach, and because no part of his navy-colored swim trunks were showing, Harry could pretend they were not there. He was admiring the way the water droplets on Draco's pale skin glistened in the morning light when suddenly the Slytherin was gone.

* * *

Harry panicked. One second he was watching the blonde and the next the boy had disappeared under the water. _'Ok, he has to be playing a prank on me. He'll come up soon,'_ thought the Gryffindor uneasily. _'I'll count to twenty and see if he comes up. One, two, three, four...oh bloody hell!'_ Harry dove into the water where Draco had vanished, casting a bubblehead charm as he did so. Although Harry kept his wand with him at all times, he was not sure if Draco had taken his with when he ran into the lake.

Once he was fully submerged, the raven-headed boy forced his eyes open against the cold water. The part of the lake the two boys were swimming in was murky, so Harry cast a Lumos maximus charm, eyes widening as he caught sight of Draco being pulled deeper into the water by a pack of grindylows.

"Hephl Mghh!" came a muffled cry from the blonde. Harry realized that Draco was calling for help and sprang into action. Propelling himself forward with a nifty spell he had ironically learned from Barty Crouch for the Triwizard Tournament, he reached for Draco's hand. Harry was able to briefly brush his fingertips before something slimy wrapped itself around his ankle and dragged him down.

Turning to look, Harry realized that the giant squid had decided that he was going to be its newest plaything. He didn't have time for this. "Relashio!" he cried, his wand shooting out red sparks that struck the squid's tentacles, forcing it to release its grip on his limbs. The Gryffindor felt bad that he had caused the squid pain, but that feeling was washed away by one of horror when he realized that he had lost sight of Draco.

Thinking quickly Harry scanned the water, and when he saw the bubble trail to the left he darted that way. The seeker moved as fast as possible; he knew Draco had been underwater for a long time now, and was very worried. After what seemed like forever he caught up to the grindylows, who were now dragging a seemingly unconscious Slytherin along with them.

"Relashio!" Harry screamed, the force of the spell sending the grindylows scattering off to lick their wounds. Placing an arm around Draco, he pointed his wand upward and propelled them to the surface. They were not terribly far out, but the water was deep. Unbeknownst to Harry, the shallows Draco had been wading in were created by a ledge that dropped off to a steep cliff, making it the perfect place for grindylows to attack. He was extremely lucky to have found the Slytherin at all, but all he cared about at the moment was getting the blonde to shore.

Harry finally found solid ground and stood up to find that the water now only came up a bit past his navel. He held Draco cradled in his arms, noticing for the first time how light the slender boy really was. Once the two finally exited the lake Harry lay Draco down on the ground and checked him, only to find he wasn't breathing.

"Shit," Harry swore. He had never been good with any kind of healing charms. Surprisingly enough, the one thing that did come to mind was something he had learned when the Dursleys sent him to a muggle summer camp one year, not wanting to deal with his "strangeness" as Uncle Vernon put it. He recalled a technique you were supposed to use if someone wasn't breathing... _'CPR!_' he thought.

Harry put his hands over Draco's heart and began short compressions. After three compressions, Harry hesitated before gently opening Draco's mouth and, placing his own mouth on the Slytherin's, performing the necessary rescue breath._ 'Three compressions, breathe, three compressions, breathe, three compressions...kiss'_ thought Harry as he continued CPR on the blonde. Finally Draco coughed, spitting out a great deal of lake water as he did. Then he lie still again.

Harry wasn't sure how long he was supposed to continue CPR; Draco was breathing again but still not responsive. Once the Gryffindor felt the blonde's heart beating strong beneath his hands he stopped compressions, checking every thirty seconds or so that his pulse was still present. He did not stop rescue breaths however, as he was scared that Draco would stop breathing again...or so he told himself.

* * *

The last thing Draco remembered before he blacked out was Harry coming towards him, reaching out, brushing his fingertips. As he came to, he realized that he was lying on the ground. He felt something pushing on his chest; were those hands? And who was pressing their lips to his, forcing breath into his lungs? He felt himself cough up liquid and begin to breathe on his own, but he did not feel like moving yet. Draco was content to lie on the ground, it was nice feeling someone else's lips moving against his own. He wondered vaguely if he was dreaming.

After a minute Draco opened his eyes slightly, and was shocked when he realized that it was Harry's lips gently massaging his. He decided he was definitely dreaming, and since it was only a dream, responded to what he thought was a kiss. Draco lifted his head slightly, moving his mouth against Harry's. He was disappointed when the raven-haired boy pulled back from him in surprise.

"Oh, thank Merlin you're alive! I was so worried!" The Slytherin was very confused, but then Harry lay down next to him and pulled him close, hugging him as if he was afraid the blonde would disappear again. Draco began to remember what had happened...water, grindylows, Harry swimming towards him, and realization dawned on him.

"So, this isn't a dream?" he asked in a shaky voice, suddenly beginning to feel guilty for his actions. _'You disgraceful little cockroach! What have I told you about homosexuality? It's wrong, disgusting...you know that! Why would you ever kiss another boy?'_ Draco cringed as his father's voice rang clear in his head, but something about the way Harry was holding him made him defiant._ 'Fuck that. I just nearly died, I'm going to do whatever the hell I want to...and right now, I want to kiss the boy who just saved my life!'_ Tears welled in his eyes, Draco had never challenged those messages before, and he suddenly felt stronger for doing so.

"No, this is real," said Harry, reaching over to wipe away a tear from Draco's face. "And you're alright, everything's going to be okay."

"Can you tell me one more thing Harry?" asked the blonde, biting his bottom lip, terrified about what he was about to do.

"Of course," replied the seeker, a concerned look still occupying his face.

"Is this real too?" The Slytherin didn't pause to think, he was afraid he'd lose his nerve. He leaned in and closed the space separating his face from Harry's. Their lips met, and like their first kiss, it felt so right, but Draco noticed that something was missing. His previous sense of guilt was gone; in its place there was a wonderful, light-hearted feeling rising in his chest. Was this what happiness felt like?

Draco wrapped his arms around Harry as well and the two boys embraced each other tightly. Two mouths moved as one, fitting together perfectly. Draco traced a line along the Gryffindor's lips with his tongue, and when the boy immediately responded Draco thought he would burst with joy. Their kiss deepened; it was even more passionate than the last had been, yet still so tender. When they finally were forced to surface for air, the two boys gazed into each other's eyes, still embracing tightly, only inches between their faces.

"That was most definitely real," said Harry quietly, not wanting to spoil the moment with words. Draco looked at him, and a conflicted expression came across his face. "What's wrong?" asked the Gryffindor, suddenly worried.

"Nothing's wrong," Draco replied. "It's just...I think I'm ready. I think I'm ready to tell you everything."

* * *

**Alrighty, so things are starting to heat up between Harry and Draco, Draco's starting to get stronger in fighting off the negative messages he's so used to hearing. I already have part of the next chapter written, but like I said before, I may add content/improve this chapter. I just couldn't wait to post it though. I know have a general idea of how things are going to go, and you can expect more slash in the coming chapter. Oh, and the title of the next chapter issss...Explanations. Pretty self-explanatory, but yes, it will be highly informative, so things will maybe start making a bit more sense. So let me know what you think please, reviews fuel my inspiration! Thanks.**

**xoxo**

**fredmyfred**


	7. Explanations

**A/N: So hopefully this chapter will shed some light on things. Looking for warnings, see first couple chapters. I've been really inspired lately, and now I have an outline for this story, so all I really have to do is write the story rather than thinking it up. I'm hoping to finish this story by the end of summer. That's my goal, don't hold me to it though. Love you all, read and review. P.S. I put an almost-lemon in here for your enjoyment =)**

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"Nothing's wrong," Draco replied. "It's just...I think I'm ready. I think I'm ready to tell you everything."

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Chapter 7 - Explanations

Draco shivered, both from cold and from the weight of what he had just told Harry. The Gryffindor noticed the motion and became suddenly aware of the fact that he was freezing, and if he was freezing, he had no doubt that the pale boy next to him was even colder. His hunch was confirmed when he sat up to locate their t-shirts and heard the sound of Draco's teeth chattering.

Harry turned to the blonde, who objected when the seeker attempted to dress him. When Draco realized that his hands were shaking too badly to put his shirt on himself, he begrudgingly allowed Harry to pull the tee over his head.

Although the shirts did little to fight the cold, at least they were dry. Harry wrapped an arm around the pale boy, attempting to warm him up, even though his own body was not much better off. He wished he knew the drying spell that Dumbledore had used on him in the cave. Harry winced ever so slightly as the memory crossed his mind, and it did not go unnoticed by Draco.

"Come on, let's get back to the castle so we can warm up and talk." Draco nodded, teeth still chattering, and the two boys walked quickly towards the massive front doors. Although they did not speak, something had changed between the two. Harry supposed that near-death experiences could do that.

Once inside, Harry released Draco from his grip, which both boys were disappointed about. However, neither was willing to risk revealing their budding relationship to the other students so early on. After what felt like forever, they finally reached the Room of Requirement, where they found a roaring fire, a change of clothes, and two mugs of hot cocoa sitting on a side table that had appeared next to the couch.

The boys quickly changed, shyly facing away from each other, and were soon cuddled up together on the couch with their hot cocoa. The Gryffindor had his arm around Draco, who was leaning in and resting his blonde head on Harry's broad shoulder. Draco sighed contentedly, and there was comfortable silence between the two while they simply appreciated each other's company. Finally Harry spoke.

"So, do you want to talk about last night?" he asked hesitantly. Draco looked down; he had meant what he said at the lake, but now that the time to speak had arrived, he was extremely nervous.

" I-I do...but, I'm scared," he said quietly, his voice revealing the fear coursing through him.

"Would it help if I explained some of my issues first?" Harry felt uncomfortable; although he really wanted to help Draco, he had only let three people know about his problems so far, and that had been really hard. 'Severus knows what he's doing, he knows what's best,' he thought, trying hard to believe the statement.

"Yeah, I think hearing your story might make it a bit easier for me to tell my own...if you're alright with that, of course." The blonde looked up at Harry, who seemed to be struggling to find words. "So, when did it start for you?" Draco thought that perhaps a specific question was better than asking Harry to tell him everything right away. This seemed to put the Gryffindor more at ease, and after a deep breath, he began.

"Well, the cutting started fifth year. I suppose that's when things just became too much for me. It wasn't one thing, more just everything going on. I mean, my parents were dead, my relatives hated me...all pretty typical. But then...my uncle began to abuse me worse than usual over the summer, and that was...really hard." Harry kept things fairly general, as he didn't think he could bear to go into details just then.

"The final straw was when I came back to school and found that I was being publicly defamed every day by the ministry, Dumbledore wouldn't speak to me, and most of my mates thought I was lying about Voldemort returning. So, one day I just got so frustrated and angry that I punched a wall. That's when I realized that physical pain made everything better...or so I thought. I experimented with a few different forms of self-injury before I figured out that I preferred cutting over everything else." The Gryffindor took a breath and looked at Draco, wondering how the blonde would react and also feeling a bit overwhelmed.

"Wow, that's a lot to deal with," said Draco, looking ashamed. "I-I can't imagine I made it any easier on you...I never really thought, I mean, you always seemed so strong, so resilient..." The blonde was feeling extremely guilty as he remembered all the insults and snarky remarks he had directed at Harry over the years.

"Yeah well, there came a point where I was just barely holding everything together. Every night I'd have horrible nightmares that turned out to be visions of what Voldemort was doing. The day wasn't any better; I was beginning to question my sexuality while trying to make things happen with Cho. So I went around in a general state of constant confusion, all the while feeling rejected and incredibly alone. If Severus hadn't intervened when he did, I honestly don't know if I'd be here right now." Harry grew quiet, and seemed to be remembering something incredibly painful.

"Severus. As in Severus Snape?" asked Draco, incredulous.

"Yes, Severus Snape. It was really an accident that he found out about everything, but now I'm extremely glad he did."

"How did he find out?" The Slytherin was really thrown. Snape was the absolute last person he would have expected Harry to open up to.

"Occlumency. Dumbledore forced me to have lessons with Severus so I would be able to keep Voldemort from gaining control over me. So every other day I was in Severus's office, and he would use legilimency to try to break into my mind. At first he thought I wasn't trying, but then I slipped up." Harry paused to take a breath.

"What does that mean?" asked Draco.

"See, I was trying so hard to keep Severus from finding out about my cutting and the abuse and stuff that I didn't have any strength left to keep him away from the rest of my thoughts, fears, and what not. So when he was able to penetrate my mind so easily, he thought I wasn't taking things seriously. Then one night, I cut myself a while before I went to lessons, and I couldn't get it out of my head..."

"He saw," said Draco, suddenly understanding.

"Yeah, he saw. And once he did, I just couldn't hold it together any more. I had a complete breakdown in his office that night." Harry looked down; as much as he wished it were different, he was still a bit ashamed of how things had happened.

"So what'd he do then?" asked Draco, feeling concerned about the expression on Harry's face.

"Well, he told me that I needed help, and that I had two choices. I could either go to the hospital wing, have Madam Pomfrey heal me and stay there for the night, or I could let Severus heal me and stay in the guest bedroom of his suite so I wouldn't hurt myself again. Above all, I didn't want Dumbledore to find out, so although it felt really weird, I decided to stay with Severus. Of course I threw a fit when he made me show him the cuts, but after that it wasn't so bad. We talked a bit, he told me that I wasn't the only person that struggled with self-injury and that it was possible to recover from it. Knowing I wasn't alone made me feel a lot better. Then he made me a dreamless sleep potion and for once I was able to sleep without being tormented." Harry paused, feeling slightly worn out from revealing so much about himself.

"How did you finally stop?" Draco asked, still awed by Harry's story. The brunette looked uncomfortable.

"I guess...well, you see, it's not really something you just stop...at least not for me. It took a long time to get to the place I'm at now. I used to cut every day, sometimes more than once a day. At first I didn't want to try, and Severus had to fight with me to keep me from doing it every night. Finally, once the cycle was broken for a while, I had a bit more control over it, but I was still only motivated to stop half the time." Harry looked sad, and slightly ashamed. Draco wrapped his arms around the seeker and hugged him, realizing how hard it must be for him to admit all of this.

"I-I think I always wanted to stop, but it was more that I wanted the things going wrong in my life to stop, and I didn't think it was possible to deal with them without cutting. So I go back and forth, but most of the time I fight it when I have the urge to do it. I'm not perfect though, and I've had times where I've given in.

Right now I haven't cut for almost two months. I meet with Severus once a week, and he checks me over for new cuts or injuries. Then we talk about things and he helps me think more rationally about them. Once he figured out that I was already able to use Occlumency to block him from seeing my issues, he decided that our time would be better spent working on healthier ways to deal with my problems. I've been meeting with him since fifth year, and in that time the longest I've gone without cutting has been four months, which is quite an improvement on what it used to be. I just hope that eventually I'll be able to stop having slip-ups altogether."

Draco nodded; seeing Harry so vulnerable and sad made him just want to hold the boy tight and never let go. With great effort, he ignored his father's chastising voice in his head and placed a kiss on the Gryffindor's now wet cheek. He couldn't put his finger on what had was different between the two, but in the moment Draco knew what he wanted; he wanted Harry, wanted him as a friend, wanted him as...something more?

"Thank you," he said quietly, "for telling me about everything. I can't even begin to imagine how hard you must have worked on getting through this. I-I'm really scared to try, but knowing that you've gotten so much better makes me think that maybe it's possible, and...maybe it's something I want." Harry smiled through his tears at the Slytherin, so happy to hear those words come out of his mouth.

"It is really hard, but it's worth it to have my life back," said Harry. "So, do you think you're ready to talk about things?" The brunette asked this gently, he didn't want to push Draco too hard. The blonde sighed.

"No," he said quietly, "but I will, because I don't think I'll ever really be ready."

"You don't have to be," replied Harry. "Before you start, I just want you to know that I won't be ashamed of you for anything, and I won't judge you, so don't feel like you have to hold anything back."

"Thanks," said Draco. Harry's comment made him feel a little better, as those things were a bit of what he was worried about. "I suppose I should start by explaining last night. It really started yesterday afternoon. To be honest, I was shocked when you didn't get angry with me for messing up."

"Why would I get angry at you for something like that Draco?" asked Harry.

"Well, I-I've never been forgiven for mistakes before, and I guess I wasn't expecting you to treat me any other way. I'm not allowed to mess up." The blonde closed his eyes, obviously remembering something unpleasant.

"Everyone makes mistakes Draco, we're only human. Where would we be if they couldn't be forgiven? Who doesn't allow you to mess up?" asked Harry, becoming very concerned. The Slytherin seemed to have trouble with this question.

"Harry, I can't say...it's just...you couldn't see..."

"It's your father, isn't it?" Harry interrupted Draco's babbling. The blonde's eyes widened; he obviously hadn't expected the Gryffindor to be so observant.

"H-How did you know?" asked Draco, in disbelief. "I thought people only ever believed I worshipped my father."

"They do, for the most part. I just happen to be more observant than the average wizard. That tends to happen when year after year there always ends up being some sort of evil plot against you, but anyways...you always work so hard, Draco. I'd always see you in the library, but it never seemed like you were studying because you enjoyed it like Hermione. It was more frantic, like you were constantly trying to prove something to someone, but it wasn't the professors, I knew that much. So I just figured your father must take your schooling very, very seriously." Harry looked at Draco pointedly, who pressed his palm to his forehead and shook his head.

"You don't know the half of it," he said quietly.

"So tell me then. You know I'm here for you," replied Harry.

"He-he'd tell me that I had to be the best...at every single fucking thing! Nothing I did was ever good enough! If I got the top grade on a test, he'd tell me that it wasn't just about that one test, but that I had to be the best in the class...in every class. Not only that, but I had to be the best at Quidditch, be the favorite of all the 'right' professors, basically be perfect at anything I was involved in. I was never allowed to just be Draco; I'm a Malfoy, and Malfoys are only allowed to behave a certain way." The blonde had not expected to just start ranting about his father's expectations of him, but although a part of him was shocked and overwhelmed, it felt good to finally talk about these things with someone else.

"I'm guessing that Malfoys aren't allowed to like boys then?" asked Harry, beginning to understand somewhat why Draco acted so hot and cold all the time. The Slytherin laughed sarcastically.

"Well, when I was growing up, the one thing my father hated even more than muggles was homosexuality. Anything that could be associated with it was unacceptable. So I wasn't allowed to wear anything remotely girly, wasn't allowed to sleep over at other boys' houses, and if I ever did anything my father perceived as 'gay,' well...I was punished." Draco looked down.

"Punished...how?" asked Harry tentatively.

"Oh you know," said Draco quietly. "Threats and...other stuff."

"What kind of other stuff Draco?" Harry had a pretty good idea of the type of punishments Lucius would be fond of, but he wanted the blonde to say it out loud. Draco closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before finally replying.

"Erm...you know that cane he always carries around?" Harry nodded. "It wasn't really used for walking. Whenever I did something wrong, and especially if I did something gay...well, he would hit me with it. He'd always put a glamour on when it was over so nobody could tell, but sometimes I'd hurt for the entire week after. And...if I really messed up, he'd use the Cruciatus curse." Draco shuddered before hiding his face in his hands, beginning to cry softly.

"I'm sorry Draco, I really am," said Harry, pulling the distraught boy even closer. "You didn't deserve that, and it's not fair that it happened." The Slytherin looked up at Harry in surprise.

"I didn't deserve it? How can you think that? It was my fault it happened, if I would have just tried harder, studied more, practiced more...well I could have prevented it. I deserved everything that happened and..."

"Draco, stop!" Harry interrupted the blonde. "There's no way you could have done anything to prevent what happened; I know you tried your hardest. And even if there had been a way, you shouldn't have had to. Nobody deserves what you went through. You have a right to be happy and not worry about constantly proving yourself to someone with ridiculously high standards."

"Do you really mean that Harry?" asked Draco, shocked that the Gryffindor would think he deserved any better treatment than he had received over the years. 'After all,' he thought, 'it's not like he was treated the way he deserved either.'

"Of course," replied Harry. "And you deserve to be whoever you really are, regardless of your sexuality."

"Thanks," said Draco, eyes still shining with emotion "You know, when we kissed, it was so amazing. I felt like it was meant to be. But once we stopped, I immediately felt so guilty and ashamed of myself for enjoying it. And...when I feel guilty, it makes me want to...well you know... That's why I couldn't continue with the game."

"I know," said the Gryffindor. "I could tell it made you want to hurt yourself. Can I ask you something Draco?"

"Yes," replied the blonde, feeling slightly uneasy.

"Am I the first boy you've ever kissed?" asked Harry. It was something he had been wondering since the events of the previous night, and if he was honest with himself, something he was hoping for.

"Yes," said Draco quietly. "I've never acted on my feelings like that before. I guess it just scared me is all. My dream later that night didn't help either. I dreamt that my father was coming after me. He kept telling me that I was no good, that I should be punished for being such a failure. It's a dream I have a lot, and usually I end up erm...cutting...so I can get it out off my mind. Last night was the first time in a long time I didn't do it."

"Well, I'm very glad. And I want to help you get stop those messages from your father from tormenting you," said Harry. "So have you ever tried to disagree with them before?"

"Yes," said Draco. "When I kissed you this morning, my father's voice was there, chastising me, telling me not to do it. But I did anyways, because I wanted to, and because I'm sick of denying who I am."

Harry smiled, extremely proud of how far the blonde had come in just a few days. "That's really great Draco, it took me a really long time to start doing that, and you also did it by yourself. I'm so proud of you."

"Yeah well...I never would have even thought to try without you." The Slytherin suddenly felt very sheepish, but at the same time determined. "And...I think I might want to try challenging them even further," he said, a light pink tinge crossing his pale cheeks.

"Are you sure Draco?" asked Harry. "What do you want to do?"

"I'm more sure of this than I have been of anything in a long time. I want you Harry. I want to feel your body against mine. I want you...to touch me." The blonde's cheeks burned, and his father's voice invaded his mind. 'Draco, I forbid this. You've already crossed a line, what you're about to do is unforgivable.'

"How do you feel saying that Draco?" asked Harry, reading the anxiety on the Slytherin's face.

"I feel...nervous and...ashamed," admitted Draco. "I can just imagine the extreme disapproval my father would have if he knew," he said sadly.

"But he's not," said Harry. "So what would help you get past this?"

"Kiss me," Draco replied, to Harry's surprise. Seeing the Gryffindor's unsure expression he said, "if I think about it too long, I don't know if I'll be able to push it away. So let's just go slow, I've never done anything with another boy before."

"Of course," replied the raven-haired teen. "If anything makes you uncomfortable, we'll stop right away, alright?" The blonde nodded. Harry could see that he was scared, but also excited. Smiling, he kissed the pale boy on the cheek. "You ready?" he asked. Draco didn't reply, but instead leaned back on the couch, pulling the Gryffindor down on top of him.

Harry was not expecting Draco to be so bold, but he wasn't complaining. Hovering over the Slytherin for a moment, he brought a hand up and ran it through Draco's soft blonde hair before moving in and capturing his mouth. Draco immediately responded, wrapping his arms around the brunette and moving his mouth against the Gryffindor's firm lips. It was wonderful to feel Harry's toned body against his own slender frame.

Simultaneously, the boys swept their tongues out, intending to beg for entrance to the other's mouth. Harry chuckled in surprise when their tongues met, giving in when Draco persisted and opening his mouth for the blonde to explore. The Slytherin ran his tongue lightly across the roof of Harry's mouth, curling it in a way that made the seeker shudder with desire.

After a few minutes of passionate kissing, Harry decided to try something. Slowly, he snaked a hand underneath Draco's shirt, lightly stroking his stomach before reaching up and placing his palm on the blonde's strong chest. Although Draco had already been aroused, Harry's feather-light touches made him instantly rock-hard. He gasped as the Gryffindor began to remove his shirt, reaching down to assist him. His father's voice berated him loudly, but Draco fought it off with a few well-deserved "Fuck you's."

Once Harry had divested the blonde of his t-shirt, he gazed at the Slytherin's slim frame, and his boxers became uncomfortably tight. Draco felt a great desire to remove Harry's shirt as well, so he began to tug at the hem of the soft grey cotton. The brunette immediately pulled the t-shirt over his head and cast it aside. Seeing the seeker's strong muscles, the blonde felt his erection become almost painful with need. Sensing this, Harry leaned down to capture the Slytherin's pink lips again, pressing their bodies together and grinding his hips against Draco's.

Feeling Harry's erection pressed against his own through the soft cloth of their boxers, Draco felt like he would burst with pleasure, and pressed up against the seeker as well. Slowly, Harry moved from Draco's mouth down to his neck, making the blonde shudder as he began to kiss his way south. The butterflies in the Slytherin's stomach fluttered uncontrollably, but as Harry's mouth drew closer and closer to his tented boxers, Draco's anxiety rose, Lucius's voice screaming in his head. 'Fucking disgraceful brat! STOP this instant! You'll be sorry, you just wait!'

"Harry," the blonde croaked when soft lips reached his navel. The brunette didn't pick up on the fear in Draco's voice. "Harry," he repeated a bit louder when the other boy kissed the skin above his boxers. The Gryffindor still didn't get it. "HARRY STOP!" cried Draco as the seeker's hands began to peel back the soft blue fabric. Surprised, Harry let go, looking up to see a heart-breaking expression on Draco's face. He hadn't meant to scare the blonde, but he had been too absorbed in his ministrations and too aroused for that matter to notice the terrified tears now filling Draco's eyes.

"Oh hell, Draco I'm so so sorry!" Harry tried to pull the pale boy into his arms, but he was pushed away. The blonde curled up, hugging his knees to his chest and shaking with the effort it was taking to hold himself together.

"No, it's not your fault, just...I need a few minutes alright?" Draco closed his eyes and tried to take deep breaths. Harry felt awkward, he was still too aroused to think clearly; he felt bad for what had happened, but was having trouble knowing what to do. Finally an idea came to mind

"Erm, alright, but wouldn't it be helpful to just let out your emotions?" he asked, desperately wanting to comfort the blonde but afraid to touch him.

"No! I won't cry over this," replied Draco sharply. "I don't want to regret enjoying this." The Slytherin's breath hitched, but he refused to let the tears run down his face.

"I'm glad to hear that, but crying doesn't necessarily mean you regret enjoying this," replied Harry in a strained voice.

"No, I'll be alright, said Draco. "Really, I will," he continued when Harry gave him a pointed look. After another minute of breathing, he uncurled with a bit of effort, and his shoulders relaxed a well. "I'm ok," he said. "That was...just a bit too fast for right now." Harry nodded.

"Good to know," the brunette replied, realizing with horror that his voice was betraying his uncomfortable predicament. Draco gave him a concerned look.

"Harry, what's wrong?" he asked. A moment later he recognized the signs of Harry's sexual frustration. "...Ahh, oh. Oh Harry I'm sorry, I didn't realize..."

"Don't worry about it," replied the Gryffindor. "But umm...would you mind if I erm...you know..." Harry gestured towards the bathroom.

"Oh, of course...go!" said Draco, slightly amused. As Harry nearly leapt off the couch he began to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, earning him a look from the seeker that clearly said, "I will get you back for this."

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Once Harry had shut the door to the bathroom and cast a quick silencing charm, he immediately removed his boxers and sat down on the toilet. Taking his sizable erection in hand, it only took a few strokes before he was cumming hard.

"Mmmmm, Draco!" he moaned as the strength of his orgasm overcame him. He had never experienced something so intense from wanking before, and he could hardly imagine how amazing it would feel when he and Draco were finally able to get over their separate obstacles. As he cast a cleansing charm and pulled up his boxers, he knew it would be well worth the wait.

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**Bwahaha poor Harry, it was in my outline though. So hopefully not too much angst. Draco's trying hard now, hope you all see that. New chapter will be up in time, maybe a week or two. Read, review, all that jazz.**

**xoxo**

**fredmyfred**


	8. Successes And Slips

**A/N: I know, I know, long time no update, but hopefully the length of this chapter and the fact that this hasn't been the longest I've gone without updating will somewhat make up for that. So warnings, check previous chapters but two specific for this chapter: trauma scene and lots of angst. Also, without giving too much away, we're starting to get a better look about some of Draco's bigger issues, and starting to see Harry in a new way as well. Some stuff about Ron, Hermione, and Harry's relationship as well. I'm probably forgetting something but whatever it is you should get it from the chapter. Enjoy and thanks to everyone who sticks with me even though I so rarely update.**

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_He knew it would be well worth the wait.

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Chapter 8 - Successes and Slips

Harry was expecting an awkward silence waiting for him as he made his way back to the couch where Draco sat. Instead, he was greeted by a raised eyebrow and a smirk on the pale boy's face.

"That was fast," said the Slytherin, clearly enjoying teasing Harry.

"Well, you know, I didn't have that far to go," replied the brunette sheepishly.

"I suppose not. I shouldn't tease, it's my fault anyway..." said Draco, the smile fading from his face. Harry began to shake his head but the Slytherin cut him off. "I guess I just panicked," the blonde said with a sigh.

"Why?" asked Harry. "Was it anything in particular that brought it on?" Draco nodded. He didn't really know why he was suddenly so willing to talk about this, but something urged him to explain.

"Erm, it was when you...started...well you know... I-I wanted you to, and that scared the shit out of me. I heard my father's voice: you know, telling me to stop, that I'd be sorry and such, and I just got really afraid. I'm sorry." Draco looked at Harry, shame written across his face.

"I'm the one that should be apologizing," replied the Gryffindor. "This is all new for you. I shouldn't have gotten so carried away. I-I like you a lot Draco, I wanted to show you that, but I should have considered how you would take it. Is there anything I can do to help, that is, if you would want me to?"

"You didn't do anything wrong, and I do want to get past this, but can I ask you something first Harry?" Draco bit his lip, feeling extremely nervous.

"Of course," replied the Gryffindor, sensing the blonde's anxiety.

"What are we?" asked Draco. Seeing the confusion on Harry's face, he continued. "I mean, you know, what are we to each other? What does this all mean?" The brunette smiled and put a hand up to stroke Draco's cheek before leaning in and kissing him lightly.

"That means I like you. And I think that for now, the rest really doesn't matter. Above all, I want you happy and healthy. If we can be something eventually...that'd be amazing, but I wouldn't ask you for that right now..."

"But you would ask it...eventually?" questioned Draco, worrying his bottom lip nervously.

"I would." said Harry simply.

"Good, because I think eventually...I'd like to answer." Draco blushed and Harry smiled as he pulled the blonde into his arms and hugged him.

"I'm so happy to hear you say that," said Harry, giving Draco another kiss on the cheek. "I've wanted to be friends and be able to get to know you for such a long time now. But don't take that as any kind of pressure. We'll figure things out when the time is right and when you get more comfortable with everything. For now, I think we should focus on a plan to keep you safe day by day. Sound alright to you?"

"It does," replied the blonde. "You know, I've never felt ready to stop hurting, but I'm starting to believe that it's actually possible. What did you have in mind?" For once Draco was feeling hopeful, and it was creating a bubble of happiness that seemed to swell in his chest.

"Well, I think that tonight we should sleep here, but then tomorrow, since it's a school night, maybe try it on your own? If we don't want our friends to get suspicious, we should probably sleep in our dorms."

Draco's smile immediately began to disappear at this suggestion. He felt his anxiety rise as he remembered how it felt to be alone in the night and unsure of what he might do to himself. Still, he wanted to prove to Harry that he could handle this, that he was not weak. So he did his best to nod and pretend that he was confident in this plan. The Gryffindor saw through his ruse.

"But you won't be alone, not really," Harry said hurriedly. "You can use the coin I made you if you have any problems at all. If you don't feel safe, just call me and I'll be with you as fast as you can, regardless of what anyone thinks." Draco was slightly relieved by this, although he was not completely sure he would be able to call Harry if he was overwhelmed by the urge to cut.

"I'll do my best," said the blonde nervously. Harry nodded.

"That's all I'm asking for," said the Gryffindor. "Now, let's eat, it's getting well past lunch time and I'm starving!" Draco agreed and after calling Kreacher to bring their lunch, they decided to have a picnic on the floor in front of the fire.

The two boys spent the rest of the day catching up on homework, all the while talking about light-hearted topics and just getting to know each other in general. A game of wizard truth or truth after the school books were put away brought forth several embarassing secrets for each of them, but they both avoided dramatic questions and it turned into a really fun experience. The evening wound down with them snuggling in front of the fire, and after a few more tender kisses they retired to the bedroom.

Wrapped in Harry's arms, Draco had the best night he'd experienced in a long time. The urge to cut was barely there and he slept without the nightmares that typically woke him in the middle of the night. Both boys regretted it thoroughly when Kreacher came to wake them up the next day with a smirk coloring his ancient face. This made both Harry and Draco blush wildly. In a comfortable silence they dressed and prepared for the school day, sharing one last kiss before parting ways.

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Harry's first class of the day was transfiguration, which passed rather uneventfully, but when he returned to the Gryffindor common room to do some studying for charms class he was ambushed by Ron and Hermione, who pulled him upstairs to the boys' dormitory, banishing Neville from the room.

"Alright Harry James Potter," said Hermione, crossing her arms, "where have you been the entire weekend? You were supposed to come to Hogsmeade with us, and you totally blew us off!" Harry felt his heart beat faster, and tried to think of a suitable lie.

"Erm...well, you know, with the way you guys have been lately, I just thought that you could use some alone time, so I stayed in and studied. I didn't need anything in Hogsmeade anyway. In fact, I've been studying all weekend." Hermione's face immediately lit up and she gave him a hug, oblivious of the fact that he had been gone at night as well.

"Oh Harry, you followed my study schedule! I'm so glad...but of course you could've told us you know..." Ron rolled his eyes, not believing his best friend for a second.

"Well, even if you were studying, that doesn't explain why you've been gone nights...so who is she? I'm not as stupid as you think I am...it's pretty clear that you're seeing someone." Hermione's mouth dropped a bit as she looked between the two boys, an odd look coming across her face.

"Honestly Ron, I'm not seeing anyone," said Harry. "I just...well I haven't been able to sleep very well lately, so I've been just wandering around the castle."

Hermione frowned, but Ron just shrugged.

"Alright mate," he said. "There's no way you've been wandering around the castle the entire night every night, but I've got Muggle Studies in five minutes, so I guess I can't force you to tell me. This conversation's not over though, you can count on that!" With that Ron picked up his books and swiftly left the dorm, leaving Harry and Hermione to watch him bolt down the stairs.

"Harry, what's really going on?" asked Hermione when they were sure Ron was gone. The brunette boy knew what was coming next and sighed. "You know you can tell me if you've been cutting again. Let me help you...you know you don't want to get trapped in it again." Harry smiled.

"Thanks for your concern Hermione, but you don't need to worry. I haven't cut in two months, and I swear I'm not lying. I've been...well I'm not sure I'm ready to tell you just yet. It's a really healthy thing though, I promise."

"Okay Harry, I believe you...but just to make sure...do you mind?" The curly -haired girl gestured to his arm. Harry nodded.

"Sure Hermione, no problem. I understand." Harry pulled up the sleeve of his robe, exposing the pale inside of his left arm for his friend. She pulled out her wand and removed Harry's glamour; it was a stronger charm then normal, to make sure that Harry wouldn't be able to trick her like he had in the past. When she saw that nothing but the fading scars from his previous incidents littered his arm, and felt through the spell that the most recent ones were from two months ago, she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thanks, Harry. I'm sorry I had to do that."

"It's alright 'Mione, I know you just care a lot. Now if you don't mind, I have some stuff I really need to get done before charms class, but I'll make sure to spend some time with you and Ron later, okay?" Hermione nodded and happily left the dorm, leaving Harry to take his charms book out of his bag and actually begin to study.

* * *

Draco was distracted. Spending the weekend with Harry had been like a vacation from reality, but now he was plunged back into his life and suddenly everything was coming back. He went from class to class, just going through the motions of living, but that same emptiness filled him, so that by the time the day was over he was feeling quite upset. He went to dinner with Blaise, but his friend was preoccupied by his current love interest, and didn't notice how down Draco seemed to be. Looking over at the Gryffindor table, he spotted a pair of bright green eyes watching him, a concerned look on his face.

As Draco walked alone out of the Great Hall towards the dungeons, he was suddenly pulled into a spare classroom by a certain brunette, who immediately gave him a hug.

"What was that for?" asked Draco, incredulous.

"Well, first of all, I've missed you," replied Harry. "Second, you look like you needed it. What's going on?" The blonde smiled, a warm, fuzzy feeling coming over him.

"Well, first of all, I've missed you too...a lot. And second, I'm just feeling a little lonely. This weekend was amazing, but now that I'm back into my 'real' life, I'm being reminded of some of the things that caused me to hurt myself before." Draco sighed.

"Alright, well just remember, you're not alone. You have me now," said Harry. "And, speaking of other things...how are your urges to cut right now?"

"I won't lie," said Draco. "They're pretty high, but I don't have any plan to do anything with them. In fact, I've been planning how I can not cut tonight. I really want to succeed and prove to not only you but also to myself that I can do this."

"That's really good Draco, but if you don't think you'll be safe tonight you know I'll be there for you." Harry looked at the blonde, worry clearly present on his face.

"I...I think I'm going to be alright," said Draco, not sounding completely sure of this. "If it gets to be too much I'm planning on calling you, but I want to try on my own first. I thought about it and I think it'll be a good thing for me." Harry embraced the thin teen again and placed a light kiss on his lips.

"If you're sure," said Harry, smiling. "I'll check in with you in the morning alright?" Draco nodded. "Now I promised I'd hang with Hermione and Ron tonight. Do you need me for anything else?"

"I'll be fine," said Draco, feeling more confident now that he'd talked to Harry. "Go be with your friends." Harry smiled, giving Draco a final hug and kiss before walking towards the door.

"You make sure to get me if you need anything at all," he said, half in the room and half out.

"Don't worry...I will," replied the blonde. Harry exited the room, happy with the result of he and Draco's conversation. Draco waited a little while before leaving himself, just to make sure that nobody would see them together, and headed back towards his dorm.

That evening Draco stayed in his room, doing homework to distract himself until his eyes felt like they couldn't possibly stay open another minute. He thought for sure that he would fall asleep with no problems, but as soon as his head hit the pillow he was suddenly wide awake, thoughts racing. 'Oh fuck,' he thought. 'I should call Harry before this gets too bad.' But something inside stopped him. 'Harry's probably asleep by now. Come on Draco, you're stronger than that. You have a choice, all you have to do is just sit with this.'

His mind was made up. Although his urge to cut was incredibly high, although he felt like he couldn't stand it, although it was extremely hard, Draco put a silencing charm on his curtains and let himself cry. He let himself feel lonely, feel hurt, feel all of the things he usually tried to avoid, and it passed, and Draco felt better. He was amazed, but felt incredibly proud. For once he did not feel weak, did not feel like a failure, and his urge to cut was close to completely gone. Smiling through the tears, Draco fell into a peaceful sleep.

* * *

The next morning Harry and Draco met in the same empty classroom they had the previous day, and after a good morning hug Harry looked at Draco tentatively.

"So...how'd it go?" asked Harry with some trepidation. Draco didn't respond. Instead he smiled, pulled up his sleeve, and removed his glamour. It took Harry a moment to remember that the now scabbed over lines were from Draco's previous episode, but once he did he pulled Draco to him and kissed both his cheeks and finally his lips.

"You did it Draco! I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am. I knew you could, but I was afraid you wouldn't believe in yourself. How do you feel?"

"Well, to begin with, kind of embarassed...but I suppose I appreciate the enthusiasm. I feel a lot better. It was so hard, and I almost gave in, then I almost called you, but in the end I just sat through it on my own. I did what we did when we were together and let myself feel. I'll be honest, I didn't believe I could do it, but now that I have I want to keep going. Thank you so much again for all your help Harry, I never thought I could be this strong."

"Draco, I'm just so happy for you. This isn't just any trivial accomplishment, and I hope you know that. I know how insanely hard it is. Sometimes it still is for me...but together we can get through this. Now I think it's almost time for potions. Would you maybe want to walk with me?" Harry looked down, knowing this might be too big a step for Draco.

"Oh...well, you know I'd really love to...but I don't know that I'm ready for that yet. I'm sorry." Draco frowned, wishing he could let go of what others would think.

Harry smiled knowingly. "It's alright Draco, I understand. We'll just go separate ways then. Totally fine." Although Harry tried to deny it, if he was honest with himself, Draco not wanting to walk with him hurt...but he put on his highly practiced mask and pretended that everything was normal. Draco thought he saw a hint of sadness in Harry's smile, but he wasn't sure, so he left it alone. Harry would tell him if something upset him...wouldn't he?

The rest of Draco's day went by without incident. Potions class was especially good, because Harry kept shooting him encouraging smiles when nobody was looking. Although he still felt some of the same sadness as the previous day, his success kept him afloat, so that his spirits were still up when Harry checked in with him again at the end of the day. After assuring the Gryffindor that he would be alright and would call him if necessary, he walked back to the dungeons.

That evening Draco stayed out in the common room doing his homework; when Pansy tried to distract him, he allowed it for the first time in a long time. He ended up talking with her and catching up (although he didn't tell her anything about his self-injury) until almost midnight, when they both happily retired to their dorm rooms.

Since he had had such a good day, Draco was shocked when his anxiety level shot up once he climbed into bed. He quickly closed his curtains, not sure what he was going to do and wanting some privacy for whatever it was. Closing his eyes, Draco tried to pinpoint the reason for this seemingly random change in his mood.

The blonde finally realized that while reconnecting with Pansy had been great, it had reminded of happier times. He remembered laughing and having fun with Blaise and Pansy and found himself desperately missing those relationships. This brought him to thinking of all he had lost in the war and the tremendous guilt he had over this.

Suddenly his urge to cut became overwhelming. He needed to punish himself, needed to hurt himself because of the others he had hurt. But still he did nothing; he clung to the fact that he had overcome his urge to cut the day before and told himself that he could do it again, that even if he couldn't do it for himself, he would do it for Harry. So Draco began to write. He wrote pages and pages about why he wanted to cut, why he felt such tremendous guilt over everything. It wasn't all good: he also wrote about why he deserved to hurt, why he was a horrible person, why everything was his fault. As he wrote hot tears dripped onto his blanket, but he continued to write until he had nothing more to say and he lay, exhausted, onto his pillows and fell into a troubled sleep, riddled with dreams about people he had hurt.

The next day Draco had bags under his eyes, and Harry was alarmed when he saw his friend's disheveled appearance, but still Draco had a clean arm to show him, and that was the most important thing to both of them.

Classes dragged on for Draco that day, as he was incredibly exhausted from his hard night. Finally, after dinner, yet another check-in with Harry, and hours of homework, he was able to slip into bed and get to sleep without any problems. He was just too tired to think. Halfway through the night, however, things began to go wrong.

* * *

Lucius Malfoy was in his study and had been thinking hard about what he could do to teach his son a lesson he would never forget. After an hour of contemplation, he had finally come to a conclusion. It was the only way, so he called for his son.

"Draco! Come in here at once!" yelled Lucius, his voice ringing down the hallway and into Draco's room. The blonde glanced up from the book he had been reading on his bed and sighed. He wondered what his father wanted now. Closing his novel, he hurried down the hall and knocked on the study door tentatively.

"What are you waiting for you lazy child, get in here!" called the elder Malfoy.

Draco could tell that something was amiss, but still he quickly opened the door and entered the room. As soon as he did his father pointed his wand at him and he cringed, expecting to be hexed or possibly something worse; his father was inventive when it came to punishments, although he was not sure what exactly he had done this time. But nothing happened; instead, the door behind him clicked, and Draco realized that his father had locked it.

"Come stand in front of me son," said Lucius in an eerily calm voice. Frightened, Draco did as he was told. He promptly received a slap across the face. Putting his hand to his stinging cheek, he looked at the floor, waiting for whatever was next.

"So, Draco..." said his father. Draco wondered what impossible thing his father had made up in order to beat him yet again. "It has come to my attention that you seem to have a certain...affection...for the male sex. Am I right?" Draco's eyes widened.

"No, father," said the blonde teen quietly, "I like girls. I am one hundred percent sure of that." Draco was trembling in fear. In his father's eyes, homosexuality was the worst offense possible, and he knew the punishment would be severe, probably the worst yet. He also knew that his father would never believe him.

"Don't lie to me boy! You know I hate it when you lie!" Lucius's eyes held a cold fury. Tears formed in Draco's eyes. He didn't know what to do.

"I don't like boys," he said feebly, even though it would be of no use.

"Yes you do. You like them. You want to have sex with them. Don't you? Answer me Draco!" Lucius stood up and grabbed Draco's chin, forcing him to meet his icy gaze.

"I don't!" said Draco. He hated his father for this, hated him for all that he had put him through, but there was nothing he could do about it. Lucius was much older, much stronger, and much more powerful. He would never stand a chance against him.

Lucius raised his wand and Draco put his hands up in an instinctive attempt to block whatever his father was about to do.

"Petrificus Totalus!" cried Lucius, the spell hitting Draco with a flash of light. His son immediately went rigid, and Lucius caught him by the arm before he could fall backward onto the floor. "Now, I'm going to teach you a lesson on why you should never have sex with a boy," he said, his face full of malice. He flicked his wand and Draco's clothes disappeared; the blonde boy's eyes, the only part of him able to move, looked wildly around in fear.

"After all, if you want to have sex with men, I might as well be your first experience right? That way, every time you even think about sleeping with another boy, you'll remember this. Do you have anything to say about this?" Lucius released Draco's head from the spell so he could talk. Tears streamed down the blonde boy's face as he realized what was about to happen; his voice seemed to catch in his throat as he begged.

"Please father, don't! I'll never, ever even think of another boy! And I certainly don't want to have sex with them. I like girls: breasts, soft lips, everything about them. I would never even consider laying with another male! Please, please just let me go. I swear...I'd stop talking to any boy at all if you wish it, just please don't do this!" Draco could barely breathe; he was in complete disbelief, this went beyond anything he could even comprehend.

"Ahh but I believe it's too late for me to trust that you will follow through on what you say. You understand why I have to do this, don't you son? It's for your own good. After this, you'll be protected; after this, you'll never be hurt again. I promise..." Slowly he lowered Draco's rigid body to the ground and with another spell closed his eyes. The last thing Draco heard was the sound of a zipper just before everything went black.

* * *

With a scream, Draco woke from the worst of his nightmares, extremely thankful for the silencing charm he had decided to permanently place on his curtains. In his panicked state he couldn't think straight and found himself dragging a razor across his arm with tears in his eyes before he knew what he was doing. He created three oozing red lines, but as he was about to make a fourth, a single tear splashed onto his arm and he finally noticed that he was crying. He was immediately filled with guilt and self-disgust as he realized what he had done.

'I'm such a failure!' he thought frantically. 'Harry's going to be so disappointed in me! He's going to give up because I'm just wasting his time. I've ruined everything now...I might as well finish it out. What's ten or fifteen cuts opposed to three?' Draco put the razor back to his arm and was about to drag it across when he remembered something. At the last second he impulsively changed his mind; he threw the razor onto the floor, pulled his red and gold coin out of the drawer of his nightstand and pressed the D. Curling up into a ball, he did the only thing he could think of...he waited.

* * *

Harry was lying awake in bed when he heard a vibrating from inside his nightstand. Confused for a moment he opened the drawer and saw a light shining through a spare piece of parchment. 'Hmm...that's odd,' he thought, lifting the parchment.

When he saw that his Slytherin-colored coin was the source of the light, he immediately jumped out of bed; worried thoughts ran across his mind and caused him to nearly forget his invisibility cloak, but he quickly pulled it from under his mattress and made his way down to the dungeons.

* * *

Draco was still curled up in a ball when Harry found him. The Gryffindor had made his way into the Slytherin common room through a secret passage that Draco had told him about and tiptoed into the blonde's dorm room, where he saw that the curtains were closed around one bed. Silently, Harry slipped between the green sheets of fabric, removing his cloak as he sat down at the foot of his friend's bed.

Draco felt rather than saw Harry on his mattress. He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath before sitting up to face the Gryffindor.

"Draco," said Harry, very worried. "What's wrong? What do you need?" Draco didn't say anything; instead he sat with his arms around his knees, tears streaming down his pale face. Harry moved over and wrapped his arms around the blonde, who leaned into him, putting his head on Harry's shoulder. The two boys sat like that for a while, Draco shaking and Harry whispering comforting words until finally the Slytherin was able to speak again.

"I-I slipped," said Draco, feeling incredibly ashamed. Harry sighed.

"Well I'm glad you called me then," said the brunette. "Why did you feel like you had to cut yourself?"

"I woke up from a dream and all I could think was 'Make it stop,' over and over. It was like I didn't even realize I had the razor in my hand before I was doing it. When I could think a little more clearly I made myself stop, and I called you. But...the urge to cut is still incredibly high right now..." The blonde's last sentence was barely a whisper. He couldn't believe he was admitting how he felt instead of denying it.

"Draco that's really amazing that you managed to stop in the middle of acting on it. Try not to beat yourself up about slipping, because you caught it before it went any further; even I still have trouble with that..." said Harry, kissing the blonde on the cheek. "I know you feel awful right now but I hope you can see how much progress you're making. As for wanting to cut, I'm here, and I'm going to stay here with you until it passes, alright?" Draco nodded numbly. "So take some deep breaths now, and I'm going to try something to help you get rid of some of the tension you're holding in, okay?" Draco nodded again, and Harry put his hands on the boy's shoulders and began to use his thumbs to gently massage the knotted muscles.

After a while, Draco shoulders seemed to relax a bit, but it was clear that his anxiety hadn't lessened at all, so Harry gave up on the massage and pulled the thin boy onto his lap, holding him as tightly as he could.

"Do you want to talk about the dream at all?" asked Harry softly. Draco shook his head.

"I can't Harry, if I think about it right now I might completely lose it. I'm sorry...I just, I want to cut so badly I almost can't stand it..." The blonde shook with the effort it took to confess this, and he buried his face against Harry's shoulder. His breathing became extremely short and the brunette realized that Draco had begun to sob. He allowed this to go on for a minute until the blonde began to hyperventilate and Harry started to worry that he would pass out if it continued.

"Draco...Draco!" he said firmly when the Slytherin didn't seem to hear him. "You need to breathe. I know you're extremely upset but if you keep hyperventilating you're going to pass out, and I don't want that to happen." Draco tried taking a few deep breaths but when he choked on them Harry realized that he would not be able to stop on his own. Quickly he pulled out his wand and conjured a paper bag, which he gave to Draco.

"Here, breathe into this," he said, incredibly concerned. Draco took the bag with a questioning look but did as he was told and put it over his face. After about thirty seconds his breathing began to even out and he seemed to be getting less frantic. The blonde continued to breath into the bag until he could calm himself down almost completely. Tentatively, he lowered the white bag and closed his eyes, deliberately taking deep, slow breaths. After a time, he opened his eyes and looked at Harry.

"Thank you," he said, "for everything. I don't know what would've happened if you weren't here. I was starting to get really dizzy for a minute there."

"Don't worry about it," replied the brunette. "I've been in your situation before, I totally understand what it's like to feel as if the world's about to turn itself inside out. What do you think would help you the most right now?" he asked the blonde.

"Can you just hold me until I fall asleep and stay with me through the night? I'm really afraid of having another nightmare, but I usually don't have them when I'm with you," replied Draco softly, terrified that Harry might not be willing to do this.

"Absolutely. I wouldn't even consider leaving you like this," said Harry, and Draco sighed in relief.

"Thank you so much. I can't do this alone."

"I know," said Harry, "and I'm always going to be here for you."

The two boys got under the covers, Harry still holding Draco tightly to him, and soon they were both fast asleep and everything was alright in Draco's world.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for all the extreme angst but Draco's basically going through his "detox" period and is relying on Harry a lot. Lotsa hugs and kisses though...so that aspect of their "not quite relationship" is going strong. Hope you liked it, haven't started writing the next chapter yet and I'm crazy busy with school so not sure when it'll be up. I have it outlined though...so that should help. You know what else helps? REVIEWS! And I will tell you that the next chapter is called Snape Therapy. Let me know what you guys think ok? Think that's about it. Til next time...**

**xoxo**

**fredmyfred**


	9. Snape Therapy

**A/N: At long last...it is Snape therapy time! And lucky readers...both boys have sessions in this chapter. Also, we begin to see some of Harry's struggles as well...maybe he's not as okay as he seems. Read, enjoy, review =)**

Chapter 9 - Snape Therapy

"Alright Harry, first things first...as usual," Harry was sitting in Severus's office for their weekly session, which always started with Severus checking to make sure Harry hadn't cut himself again. After Harry rolled up his sleeve and showed the potions professor that he had made it another week without self-injuring they began.

"So how have things been for you this week Harry?" asked Severus.

"About the same, except I've been more up and down than I usually am. I'm not really sure why." The Gryffindor gave his professor a contemplative look.

"Has anything changed recently?" asked the black-haired man.

"Actually, yes," replied Harry. "You know the guy I keep telling you about that I've always liked from afar?" Severus nodded. "Well, I finally found a way to connect with him...although I'd prefer if it were something else."

"Really?" remarked Severus. "That seems like a good thing. What is it you've found you connect over though?" Harry looked down.

"Well...erm...he's kind of...well...he cuts himself as well, and I'm helping him stop." Harry felt very awkward telling his professor this, and hoped he would take it well. "I was actually kind of hoping you could talk to him. I try to help as much as I can but I'm afraid it won't be enough."

"Oh Harry..." began Severus, regarding the teen thoughtfully, "Of course I'll talk to him. Bring him to my office as soon as possible, alright? And I know this probably makes you happy, but my worry is that you'll become enmeshed in his situation. Promise me you'll be careful not to take his actions out on yourself. We don't want to stress you out any more than is necessary."

"I promise Severus," said the teen. "And we're taking things very slowly. I definitely want to make sure he's healthy enough to have a relationship if that's possible. The only bad thing about this is that it's kind of...bringing up some memories...because we've been kissing and some nights I sleep with him in the room of requirement."

"Do you mean that you've been sexually active with this boy?" asked Severus, very matter-of-factly.

"No," responded Harry, blushing in embarrassment. "I meant we just sleep in the same bed and I hold him and make him feel like everything will be alright...the way I always wish someone would do for me."

"Well, I'm glad for you. This seems like it might motivate you to stay healthy in order to advance things with him. And I definitely encourage you to try to get him in here to see me...it'll be less pressure on you. Anyways, can you tell me about these memories? I know you've never wanted to talk about them before, but it's relevant now more than ever."

"No," said Harry hurriedly. "I can't do it...you know that Severus!"

"You can," replied the professor. "You have the ability to...you won't do it. It is a choice Harry, even if it doesn't feel like it." Severus felt bad when he saw the tears shining in the teen's eyes, but he always stuck to his policy of absolute honesty.

"It's too hard," said Harry quietly.

"You're going to have to deal with your trauma eventually," said Severus. "And...if you don't...well, it's going to be even harder on you these upcoming weeks."

"What do you mean?" asked Harry, frightened by the graveness of his professor's tone. Severus hesitated.

"I'm afraid we're going to have to begin weaning you off of the dreamless sleep potion," said the black-haired man. "According to your latest blood test spell results, you've reached a level where the potion becomes addicting, and I can't continue to give it to you in good conscious." Harry looked at Severus in horror.

"You can't do that to me Severus! You remember what it was like for me before the potion! I'd barely be able to go a few days without cutting...I don't want to go back to that!"

"I know Harry, I know. I wish it wasn't like this, but we have no choice now. You're going to have to start talking about the trauma. You knew this time would come eventually..."

"No," said Harry, in tears. "I'm not ready for this. It'll destroy me!"

"You can get through it Harry. You're stronger than it, and you're not alone. Just trust me, have I ever lied to you before?" Severus was highly concerned.

"No, but this time I can't believe you," replied the Gryffindor. He felt like a big ball of anxiety at the moment, and was only half concentrating on what his potions professor was saying.

"I know," said Severus. "I wish you would but I don't expect it." The black-haired man sighed, afraid of what the response to his next question would be. "How badly do you want to cut yourself right now Harry?" The Gryffindor whimpered, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples before he answered.

"Well...on a scale of one to ten, I'd say my urge is at about one hundred. How long do I have until I have to be off the potion?"

"We'll have to cut it by one third tonight, one third tomorrow, and the third day you'll have to be off of it."

"Isn't there anything else you can give me?" asked Harry in desperation.

"No," said Severus. "And if there was I don't think I would give it to you. As hard as it may be, you have to start processing through your trauma." Harry shook his head.

"The nightmares will come back," said Harry. "Then what? I'll be all alone...defenseless...weak..."

"They may," said Severus. "It may get harder before it gets better. I'm afraid right now you don't have a choice. Now, I think I'm going to have to require you to come in more often...perhaps three times a week like it used to be. We'll meet again tomorrow, and I expect you to start discussing your trauma then. Now...how are you going to be safe tonight?"

"What if I don't want to be?" asked Harry solemnly, looking at the floor.

"Well, if you really don't think you can control your urge, I'll have to take more drastic measures. You'll have to stay with me tonight and sleep in the safe room next to mine...in fact, it's not a bad idea while we're weaning you off the potion." Harry looked crestfallen.

"No," said the Gryffindor. "I can control it...I mean I will control it. I promise. I'll get you or Hermione if things get too bad. Just don't make me sleep in that room again." Severus regarded Harry with an extremely cautious look on his face.

"Very well," he said. "But if this proves to be a poor decision on my part, you know I won't be able to trust you again for a long time."

"I know," said Harry. "I'll be good."

"Okay Harry, just remember, you've made it this far, don't give in because of one moment you're feeling weak. You may go, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thank you sir," said Harry in an odd voice, gathering his things and walking quickly out of Severus's office.

As soon as the door closed behind him Harry ran away as fast as he could. He ran up the stairs of the dungeons into the great hall and out the front doors, not caring who might have seen. He didn't stop running until he reached the charmed willow tree. Slamming himself back against the tree's smooth trunk and sliding down to sit against its base, Harry began to sob harder than he thought was possible.

It wasn't until he felt slender, yet strong arms wrap around him that Harry noticed who had followed him under the tree. Draco had been sitting by the lake reading a book when he spotted Harry making his way across the grounds, visibly upset. He had immediately closed his book and followed the Gryffindor. Now, sitting with him under the willow, the blonde was not exactly sure what to do, so he tried to pull Harry into his arms.

"Leave me alone," said Harry, pushing the Slytherin away.

"Why?" asked Draco, confused.

"Because I said so," responded Harry, crying even harder.

"Ohhh no Harry...I know this game. So let's skip the 'I don't need anyone' part. We both know you do, so give it up and let me hold you." Harry looked at him for a second, fully intending on staying alone and wallowing in his misery, but the look on Draco's face made him give in and crawl into the blonde's lap. The Slytherin pulled him close and Harry pressed his head against his shoulder.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" asked Draco, stroking Harry's messy locks. Harry shook his head. "Okay," said Draco simply. "But why don't you sleep with me tonight? Let me comfort you for a change." Harry nodded, grateful that he had such a caring...friend? Whatever they were, Harry appreciated it.

After dinner Harry and Draco made their way to the library, hiding in one of the little alcoves and working on their potions essays together. Draco had to help Harry with his, as he royally sucked at potions. Several hours passed and when they were both exhausted with homework the boys made their way to the Slytherin dormitory, where they had decided to sleep since it was likely that nobody would be there. Harry had regained his composure by this point and he and Draco were sitting on the blonde's bed talking by wandlight, since they had closed the green curtains for complete privacy.

"Are you feeling any better Harry?" asked Draco.

"A bit, thanks to you," said Harry, giving Draco a weak smile. "And...I want to thank you."

"For what?" asked the blonde.

"This is really hard to admit, but I'm 99% sure that I would be cutting myself right now if I wasn't here. Today was really hard on me..."

"Well, I'm glad you're here with me then. Of course I wish you felt better, but I like having you with me at night. Is there anything you think you might want to talk to me about though?" Harry sighed.

"I guess I can tell you a bit about it. You might have guessed my session with Snape didn't go very well..." Draco nodded. "Well, I usually take this dreamless sleep potion every night, and it keeps me from having these horrible nightmares...and now Severus is saying I won't be able to take it any more. I'm so scared Draco...I don't know what I'm going to do."

"Why do you have to stop taking it?" asked Draco.

"My blood levels have gotten up to an addictive level. Also...Severus says I have to start dealing with things I've been avoiding. And I just don't think I can."

"Harry...you're one of the strongest people I know, I really believe you can do it. And if you ever think it might be easier to talk to me about whatever it is you haven't dealt with...I'm completely willing to listen. As for these nightmares...I'll sleep with you every single night if it'll help. In fact, I think it'd help both of us." Draco finished his inspirational speech with an encouraging smile, but he saw that tears had filled Harry's eyes.

"You're so wonderful Draco, I don't deserve your kindness. I'm sorry to be such a burden on you. I feel so ashamed. I've just been such a failure recently."

"Shh," said Draco, wiping away tears from the Gryffindor's face. "Don't ever think you're a burden. After all you've done for me, how could you believe that? And you're absolutely not a failure. You've inspired and helped me so much, and you don't give up, no matter what. Be proud of yourself for that."

"But I've reached my limit," said Harry. "Tonight I would have given up if it weren't for you. I just know I'm going to slip up soon, and then it'll spiral downwards and then I'll be right back where I started and..."

"Shh Harry, don't think like that. You're going to be strong and get through this. I know you are. We're going to help each other, no matter what." Draco wrapped his arms around Harry, who relaxed into his embrace.

"I hope so," replied the raven-haired boy. "Now, I'm tired, can we go to sleep?"

"Of course," said Draco. The two boys once again snuggled up together under Draco's green and silver comforter, each holding onto the other as if nothing else existed.

* * *

The next morning as the sun shone through a crack in the curtains of Draco's four-poster bed the blonde woke with a start and stared at the empty space that had been occupied by Harry for much of the night. Draco immediately became worried, but just as he was about to call out for the other boy the curtains opened again and in crawled Harry. He had a serious case of bed-head and bags under his eyes, but other than that he appeared to be okay.

"Where'd you go?" asked Draco, still slightly alarmed.

"Oh, I just wanted to splash some water on my face and wake up a little. That's all...promise."

"Okay," said Draco, "just checking. So how are you feeling this morning?"

"A little better," replied Harry. "I'm still stressed out about this whole potion thing, but at least I didn't have nightmares last night." The dark-haired boy sighed. "I guess I'll have to figure something out for how to deal with it. I'm terrified of things being the way they used to though."

"Well, if there's anything I can do, let me know. I want to help."

"Yeah. I'll try to think of something, but I guess right now what I need is someone to talk to other than Snape. I just feel really ashamed when I talk to him." Harry looked down, feeling vulnerable. "But speaking of Severus...would you be willing to talk to him? I think it would really help you, and it'd make me feel a bit more at ease. Do you think you're ready for that?"

Draco considered Harry's question for a moment. Finally he nodded. "Ready? No. Will I do it for you? Yes, although I still have some issues I guess I should sort out with him. But if you're brave enough to talk to him I suppose I can too. When should I see him?"

"He's available today," said Harry. "If you want I can come with you and help you ease into it..."

Draco shook his head. "I think this is something I have to do on my own, but thanks for the support. Well, I should probably start getting dressed and go see Snape before I start thinking about it too much."

"Right," said Harry. "Good idea. I think I'm going to spend some time with Ron and Hermione today, but do you want to meet later tonight?"

"Probably. I'll call you with the coin when I'm ready, and you can do the same, and then let's meet in the room of requirement." The blonde got up and walked toward his trunk to grab his clothes and Harry moved towards the door. Draco turned around, not intending to let the Gryffindor go so easily.

"Harry," he called. The other boy stopped and looked back, confused. "One more thing," said Draco, walking over to him and placing his hands on the teen's shoulders.

"What's that?" asked Harry.

"This," replied Draco as he leaned in to kiss his Gryffindor on the mouth. Harry was taken by surprise but soon relaxed into the kiss and responded with enthusiasm.

"Thanks," said Harry when it was over. "I needed that. Now you go get ready and I'll see you later tonight okay?" Draco nodded and once again walked over to his trunk as the raven-haired boy slipped out of the room.

It took Draco half an hour to get ready, but finally he mustered up the courage to walk to Snape's office. Taking a deep breath, he knocked softly on the door, a part of him hoping the potions master would not be there. He had no such luck. The door opened and there stood the black-haired man, a slightly confused look on his face.

"Draco," he said, "what brings you to my office today?"

"Erm...professor..." replied the Slytherin. "I was kind of hoping to speak with you about some...things..." Severus nodded.

"Well come in then and grab a chair. We've got plenty of time." Snape closed the door behind them as Draco sat down in the chair in front of an oak desk. Severus took his place across from the boy and folded his hands together. "Now, what can I do for you?"

The blonde was very apprehensive, but although he did not fully trust Severus, he trusted Harry. So, taking a deep breath, Draco began. "I suppose the first thing I should say is that I'm here because someone said I should go to you."

"I see," said Severus. "Would you like to tell me who sent you?"

"I guess I can. It was...erm...Harry." Draco looked down at his lap. Realization dawned on the potions master and he already knew the answer to the question he was about to ask.

"So, what kind of problems are you having?" The blonde shook his head, feeling ashamed to have to admit what he was dealing with to the man.

"I-I don't know if I can tell you," said the boy. "I'm sorry...I shouldn't have come, I'm just wasting your time." He began to get up to leave, but Severus reached across his desk and grabbed the teen's slender wrist.

"Hold on a minute Draco. You came to my office for a reason. There's obviously something bothering you. What makes you think you can't tell me?"

"I just can't," replied the pale boy in a quiet voice. "I'm too ashamed..."

"Draco, I am your godfather. No matter what you say I'm not going to judge you. I promise." Draco looked at the man and could see the sincerity in his eyes. With a sigh he sat back down.

"Alright. I'm not quite sure how to say this but...well...sometimes I hurt myself on purpose. I know I'm disgusting and wrong and..." The professor cut him off before he could insult himself further.

"Wait a second Draco. First of all, I want to tell you that I'm glad you've come to me...you're very brave to do it. Second, just because you self-injure doesn't mean you're disgusting and wrong. It is a problem, but that's all...you can't judge yourself for it. Now, I have an important question to ask you."

"What's that professor?" asked the blonde?

"Are you willing to deal with your past in order to get better?" Severus looked at the teen seriously and saw the conflict on his face. "Because I can help you, but I need you to give it everything you have..." Slowly Draco nodded.

"I know I'll hate it, but I can't avoid it forever. I guess the sooner I start trying the better right?" A rare smile crossed the older man's face.

"That's very good Draco, I'm happy to hear it. Shall we start today?" Draco looked taken aback, but Severus quickly reassured him. "We won't get into anything too heavy right now since it's your first time, but it'd help me to get some background knowledge on what's been going on." The blonde seemed relieved.

"Alright, we can start now I guess." With Draco's consent, the potions master reached into his desk and pulled out a blank sheet of parchment and a quill. "Wait, you're going to write this down?" asked Draco.

"If it's alright with you," replied the black-haired man. "I like to have a record of our sessions so I can reflect on them and think about what kind of therapies would help the most."

"Just as long as you don't show them to anyone," said the blonde.

"Of course not. Nothing you say will leave this room. I would not do anything to violate your trust. Do you believe that?" Draco nodded once again. "Good. Now, I have some general questions to ask first. If you're uncomfortable with any of them you don't have to answer."

"Okay," said Draco.

Severus began with some simple questions about school, what he was studying, how much stress classes caused for him, etc. By the time he finally got around to a harder topic Draco was already on edge.

"Now, if I'm going to help you I'll need to know where and how you self-injure, and I need to see the areas where you've hurt yourself." The Slytherin looked down at his lap, reluctant. "I know it's hard Draco, but I need to see." Slowly the blonde pulled up his left sleeve and held his arm out for Severus, refusing to look up as he blushed slightly. The professor took his wand from his pocket and performed a diagnostic charm on the cuts and scars covering the teen's arm.

"You've been hurting yourself for quite some time I see." Draco nodded, still refusing to look at his professor. "I'm going to heal these newer cuts for you. Hold still." Blue light came from the tip of Severus's wand and danced across Draco's injuries, leaving pale pink scars in their place. "There," said Severus. "Now, are there any other places you cut?" The blonde shook his head no. "What do you usually use?"

"A razor," said Draco quietly.

"And when you want to cut do you try to use any coping techniques first?"

"I never used to, but lately I've been trying really hard not to do it. Sometimes it works and sometimes I fail." The teen looked sad and ashamed.

"So you consider it failing when you cut yourself?"

"Yes. I feel like such a weak, pathetic, horrible person when I do it."

"And why is that?" asked the black-haired man.

"Because I should be stronger. I should be able to resist something so...abnormal, something so disgusting. I should..."

"Hold on Draco. I want you to try something. It'll be your therapeutic goal this week. I'd like you to write down some negative thoughts you have in a journal. Then, every time you have an 'I should...' thought, try to think of where it's coming from. Is it something someone said or something you tell yourself?"

"Well...I guess my father used to say it a lot. I was never good enough for him and...never mind..." Draco was starting to feel very overwhelmed and was becoming more uncomfortable by the minute. He closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "Can we stop now sir, I don't think I'm ready to discuss this."

"Alright Draco. You've done very well for your first session. I'll send you an owl letting you know when we'll meet next week, but if you need to talk at some point before that do not hesitate to come see me. Just so you know though, I'll have to check your arm next week. It's my policy that if I find that you've self-injured, we'll have to find a way to keep you safe." The blonde looked crestfallen. "Don't worry Draco, it's not a punishment, and you won't be berated for it, but measures must be taken to help you break the cycle...and you'll have a say in what those are of course. Can you agree to that?"

The blonde sighed. "I guess so. I don't think I can promise not to slip, but I can promise to try." Severus nodded.

"Thank you Draco, you may go now. But remember you're not alone in this, and it's going to be alright."

"I hope so sir," said the teen as he walked out of Severus's office. When he saw who was waiting just outside the door for him he was visibly relieved.

"Hey, how'd it go?" asked Harry hesitantly, pulling Draco into a hug. The blonde rested his head on the shorter boy's shoulder for a moment, feeling exhausted.

"I guess as well as can be expected, but it still stirred up a lot. Will you stay with me for a while?"

"Of course," said Harry. "Let's go sit by the lake." The two boys walked together out onto the grounds under Harry's invisibility cloak, only removing it once they were safely under the willow tree.

"Harry," said Draco. "I have something to ask you." Harry became a bit nervous at this, hoping it was not bad news. "...I really like you, and I was wondering how you'd feel about...well...going on an official date?" A grin spread across Harry's face.

"I'd love to, more than you ever could know."

**Alright there you go. I feel like this is getting a bit repetitive but I promise there'll be less angst and more boy love in upcoming chapters. Review please and I may be motivated to write faster...**


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